Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then


 
 
 
 
   Chap.11- I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then

 

I was there again. With her. Alone. The memory rolled again and again in my mind. So real. So vivid. My mom was screaming. I could sense the pain in her voice. She was so loud, so desperate so out of it. Then she fell on the ground, and calmed down. When her face was at my level I got close to her and just leaned against her know still body. Her eyes looked so tired and so numb, like she couldn’t feel a thing, and still a tear was slowly sliding down her cheek  as she looked at me in a moment of weakness, she was tired. I remember leaning forward and kissing her wet cheek, as my hand softly touched her belly. Than it all turns to a blur.

                                                                                 ..

I woke up in a sweaty panic. I was breeding heavily and has I reached out to grab my pillow I realized that wasn’t my bed. Yes, I remember know, after I hugged my dad I didn’t want to be alone and I ended up falling asleep in his bed. He was just staring back at me in the dark. I knew this because I could see the white of his eyes, wide open, staring back at me.

-I have them too, the nightmares..-he started.

-You weren’t there. I was. –I replied.

After coming to my senses I wasn’t sure this had been such a good idea. I quickly pulled back the sheets and got out of bed. I needed to get out of there. As I grabbed my mobile phone and ran down the stars I heard my father asking me in the distance:

-Ally!-he called- Ally where are you going ?

I was already out the door. I picked my phone and dialed one, to the only person I knew that I would want to be with. Always.

-Hey can you come pick me up? Quick? I need to get some air..

In five minutes Andrew was in front of my house with his motorcycle. He had come so fast. I got on that thing has fast as I could and I just told him –let’s go-has I grabbed on to his body covered in a big black leader jacket. And we did.

It was breaking dawn and we were at the beach, just sitting there. I was feeling the cold winter wind on my hair with his leader jacked warming my skinny body, barely covered by my confi ,but not really warm sweatshirt ,  looking at the sea with my head on his shoulder just thinking about everything and anything.

-I love you.-I suddenly said. For an outsider it might seem like it came out of nowhere. But we knew.-a lot.-I looked at this beautiful boy, my boy, so strong but his eyes looked at me in warm,  gentle and unique way he always looked at me.

-I love you too All-he told me, turning his face away and looking at the sea- so much it hurts me to think about ever loosing you.- when he looked back at me he had fear in his eyes.

I hided my face on his neck and I slowly pressured my lips against it, kissing it.

-You won’t lose me. Ever. – He was too important. If only he knew how much..-then a question that was desperate for somebody’s attention ran out of my lips without permission-do you think.. I am a different person? Since you met me? Have I changed?

-No All, you didn’t change. You are still the same girl. We can’t change. Any of us. For as long and as hard as we try, because we all have our pasts to hold on to. But we can evolve. You did.

-But I feel like a different person. I want to go back, to the past and change so much that I have done, because I feel like I would do things differently, doesn’t that mean I’m a different person?

-If you really were a different person, than you couldn’t go back to the past, because you can only control what you did, not what someone else did. As such you only have control over your past, not of the one that belongs to the person you were.
And I was. That’s why I couldn’t go back. That’s why no one could. But that didn’t mean I could stop wishing otherwise. Then I just shutted it all out, as I always did when the thoughts on my mind got to loud and too uncontrollable. And for just a second I allowed myself to live in the moment, until only us, lost in each others lips on that beach existed.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Chap.10-I miss them too


Chap.10-I miss them too


 I woke up really early that morning, it was chilly outside and my bed was so confy and warm that I decided to get some thinking done while I stared at the sealing and listened to the rain typing softly on my window.

 Once again things were looking up, I could get used to it. This warm feeling in my belly that made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I was still the same girl, I still had my past to hold on to, but I had evolved. I had friends and a wonderful boyfriend that meant the world to me.

 But you know that little thing in the deep corners of your mind that never leaves you alone? The one that is demanding your attention to remind you that you steal have things to be solved? I still had that one. I thought about my father. Was he sharing this sudden and urgent need to tell and unbury what we had buried for so long?

 I got out of bed abot thirty minutes after my decision not to, my over thinking had already left me unsettled for the day. I quickly dressed my white fuzzy wool sweater and I walked down the stairs to get a glass of milk. As I was leaving the kitchen with the warm glass of milk in my hands I stopped right in front of my father and I looked right into those familiar and yet unknown eyes. I got out of his way and as I was leaving I realized I needed to talk about It.

-Dad- I called in a low and uncertain voice.

-Yes Ally?-he had a sleepy yet soft voice.

-Shouldn’t we.. hum.. talk about.. it?-I mumbled.

-Talk about what?

As if he didn’t know.

-It-my voice was plain this time.

-There´s nothing to talk about-the only thing that I could hear in his voice was exhaustion.

As I was leaving he added, like calling me:

-I have been thinking a lot about It-him too, recently.

I looked into his eyes. During all this time I had only seen my pain, when the reality was that there was so much beyond it. I might had lost a brother but he had lost a son. And there it was again, our little secret, the one that I had been trying to run away from during so much time, harming my self because of it in so many ways, simply to escape the reality, my reality. Because, when my mother died, I didn’t loose just her, no. She was pregnant. I lost the two most important people in my life and there would never be anything I could do to change it, to bring them back. In the clinic where I was after I overdosed they suspected that I was harming myself with drugs and alcohol to, unconsciously, try to commit suicide, because I knew, deep down, that was the only way I was ever going to see the again. They were wrong. It was conscious.

-I miss them- I said while a tear streamed down my face.

My dad just hugged me and kissed my forehead while he said:

-I miss them too Ally, so much, too much- as he hugged me tighter.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Chap.9-I´ve always been yours


 



 
                                Chap.9-I´ve always been yours
   
  It was new year. I couldn´t believe it. One year had passed ,and I had changed so much, but was still very much the same girl as I was a year ago.

  I was excited. Not because of being new year or the vision of a “fresh start” ,it was too late for that. It was too late to try to scape from the ghosts of my past, I knew that. But it wasn’t late for one thing: to go meet Andrew. Just his name made a dumb smile appear on my lips.  He had invited me to go watch the fireworks with him tonight, at the beach and I couldn´t nor I wanted to say no. I was really excited to see him, I had really missed him and I hadn’t been with him nearly enough since my dad got back.

  When I got to the beach where I was supposed to meet him it was really dark and crowded and I started to panic a little bit. I couldn’t see anything and the loud noise and drunk people made me quite uncomfortable. I started backing out as fast as I could, not watching where I was going and hyperventilating in the middle of the crowd, and just when I felt like I was going to pass out I felt strong and familiar harms grabbing me and pulling me closer -Andrew.

  We walked for a few minutes, until a place in the beach that was almost totally desert. He carefully sat me on the sand and he sat beside me, and protectively put his harm around my skinny body while I rested my head on his shoulder.

-Hi-he said in a soft voice.

-Hi-I responded, and, somehow, this word showed him that I was smiling. I was so happy to be there, in his harms. It was like I belonged there, and all my life had been leading me to that very moment.

  -You know, life  at home hasn’t exactly been good for me this past few days, I always have this feeling like..

  He waited for me to continue. Because I didn´t he instigated:

 - Like?..

-  Like I need to be somewhere else. Like I don’t belong. And this is a feeling that I had my entire life. That I don’t feet in and no matter what I do or how hard I try I never will..

  -All..-he started.

  -No, let me finish-he nodded so I continued-but somehow this ,being here ,with you, it feels…right ,and I feel like,  here is where I always wanted to be-I smiled and turned my face to him. He looked as beautiful as he always did, his hair was a hot mess and his green eyes where staring back at me with that same glow they always had when he was with me. He pressured his lips to my forehead and something in that gesture showed me that he.. loved me?

   In the background, outside from our world we heard people starting to make the count down.

   -60,59,58…

  -You know-he told me, resting his forehead in mine- I just realized that you´re not officially my girl.

   -55,54…

   What?

  -52…

  -I mean, I know we know each other for very little time, and I know how ridiculous I probably look right know-oh he had no idea, I tried not to laugh-but when you really..-is he going to say it?-..love someone-he did!- you don’t need time, you just know. Maybe that’s part of the reason why it never felt like I was getting to know you, it always felt like I was  remembering you, your smile, your voice, your touch, your kiss.. and you make me fall in love with you with every second that goes by, I  couldn’t possibly imagine life without you , ´cause looking back, until I knew you, it just felt like I was half alive, and you completed it, me-the words where flowing out of his mouth and softly touching my heart, like a secret touch between lovers. A tear streamed down my face- what I’m trying to say is: I love you- he gently whipped the tear out off my face-and I want you to be mine.

   -5,4,3,2…

   I didn’t know what to say so I kissed him and I slowly melted like honey in his mouth, when we got out of breath and I moved my lips apart from his, I was still gasping for air while I leaned forward till my lips softly touched his hear and I whispered-I´m yours.

   -1

   I´ve always been yours.  

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Chap.8- The cherry tree


 
 
                          Chap.8- The cherry tree

  When I got home I felt really tired and my head felt like a piece of shapeless cotton ball. I only had one thing on my mind- my bed.

  I tried to make as little noise as I possibly could as I ran up the stairs, so my father wouldn’t listen to me, and wouldn’t make me answer a list of questions that I bet were running threw his mind. Didn’t he think it was a little bit to late to take the “I’m an involved father in my daughter´s life” train?  

  When I closed my bedroom door and threw my school bag to the other side of the room, I already had a victory smile on my face right after I noticed my father ,standing there in one side of the room, looking out of the window. My smile faded.

 -It´s still there-he said not letting any emotion passing through his town of voice, while he stared out of the window, to the cherry tree covered in snow, that my mom had planted for.. No. I´m not going there. Some things are better unburied.

-It is- I said in the same town of voice as my father.

-How could that small ,fragile tree survive and become so big and so strong?-he asked, more to himself that to me- even after what happened, after the pain and the guilt have consumed us , after our lives have been thrown apart and we find ourselves in a cross row without knowing what to do, or how to do it, how does it stand there, so strong , so bold, showing us that it can be done , that we are nothing but week , because you could do it and I couldn’t and I still cant and sometimes and im has lost as the little girl I held in my harms and whipped the tears of her face, the one to who I promised I would never leave her side, but I did-he was barely holding the tears at the moment-I did..

I didn’t knew what to say, why was he telling me all this know? I turned off the brave and careless part of me because I was tired to be strong and independent. So I did the one thing that I wanted but didn’t do in 11 years.

I hugged my dad.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most


 
           Chap.7- Sometimes the people closest to you can  be the one´s holding you back the most

-And how are things going with your dad? I heard his back in town..

 I was feeling like something a cat had puked. Since my last fight with my dad 2 nights ago I barely had slept and he was seriously messing with my nervous system. I just wanted to be home, or any place at all in the world that wasn’t the office of my guidance counselor-Brocke.

-They´re great-I said with an unexpressive face.

 Why would I open up to a complete stranger? Bigger question than that : how did she think I would? People say it´s easier to talk to a stranger, liars. So I was just supposed to share my personal and deeply messed up life with a women that I barely even knew so that she could tell me how to live it? Yes that makes complete sense. Anyways I was too tired for that. I just wanted to get that over that so I could proceed with my day.

-Ok, great-she said with a smile on her face. Phony- So I will show you some pictures and I will make you some question ok?

No.

-Yes, shure -that wasn’t weird- do you do this to like every student that comes in here?

-No-she answered sincerely.

So.. why to me? I should have asked. Yet again I was tired and out of it.

-Ok-I finally said.

She showed me a picture of a family-of course -.- .

-It´s a family. The sun is shining and their smiling. It´s a happy picture-I said still with an unexpressive face.

-So how does that make you feel?

-Happy-I said smiling. When I saw the look on Broocke´s face I realized my smile must have looked pretty fake. Well happy families weren’t exactly what I wanting to see.

-You know this wont work unless your honest with me- Brocke said with a serious look on her face.

I put on the most offended expression I could given the conditions-I don’t know what you´re talking about. I am as honest and open as a person can be-lie.

-You know it´s important to have a good support system. People you can really talk to. Have anyone you can talk to. Friends?

-Yes. They´re great. Totally supportive-another lie, they didn’t even knew. How many are we in? 4?

-Great, but still be cachous.

-Why?-I asked rhetorically- because sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most?

-In did. Where did you learn that?

-I don’t know-But I did. My mom used to tell me that all the time.

And it was true. But at the time she didn’t knew just how true she was.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Our little secret

 
                                Chap.6- Our little secret
I woke up really happy this morning. It was thanks giving and, in quite a while ,I had something to be thankful for. I looked outside my window. It was snowing. I decided to take a quick shower before I met Hanna and Erika at the park.
When I got back home and I opened the front door it was already lunch time and it smelled so good it made my mouth water. Then i saw suitcases in the hall. As usually, there were 3, all of different sizes. My face got stone cold while I walked down the hall on the direction of the noise until  I was in the living room.
-Father-he was sitting on the sofa talking to my step mother and when he heard my voice they both stop talking. I looked right at his eyes. With all that had been going on I had totally forgot my father was coming. It had been almost a year since I had last seen him. He was wearing a black suit and his dark brown hair was carefully combed. I could see some wrinkles near his eyes that weren’t there last time i saw him, and the first white hairs were starting to appear on the top of his head.
-Ally-he walked right at me and hugged me softly- I missed you, girl.
I’m sure he did. That’s why he never called me, or said anything at all, all year. But I wouldn’t say that. I didn’t hug him back or return his “I miss you”. Instead i just stood there until my body was released from that unrecognizable shelter that didn’t feel mine at all. Once he released me he carefully observed my face.
-You look more like your mother every time I see you-he said with a shaken voice.
I didn’t knew what to say so I nodded while rubbing my bracelet on my wrist. He grabbed my wrist and put his hands around it. He was the only one that would dare to reprehend my strange habit, what he had been doing since I was little. He didn’t even need words. I quickly pulled my hand towards my body and wrapped my harms around my body.
-I´m glad you re home-I said not knowing if I was totally lying.
-Lets eat!-my step mother said with excitement.
Has we sat and started eating everyone was silent and the mood wasn’t exactly light or happy.
-So how is school Ally?-my father asked in a pathetic attempt to lift my mood up and to get involved in my life like a concerned father.
-Yes, it´s alright-I answered while I played around with my food.
-Helen told me you’ve been skipping the sections with you’re guidance counselor- good my step mother and my dad already got to talking. I looked at her with a spark of disappointment in my eyes-you know you’ve to go. It´s part of the treatment plain and if…
-I´m not really hungry- I said cutting him of, truth is, I had lost my appetite- i’m just going to go to my room.
Ok so maybe I was being childish and totally immature, but I didn’t want to participate in some stupid charade of a “happy family” while my father pointed the error of my ways, to show of that I wasn’t Kevin´s daughter perfect yet.
-No, Ally, you have to eat. Sit down.-my father ordered calmly but there was imposition in his voice.
I laughed.
-What´s so funny, Alice?-my father asked, not amused at all.
-You appear here, after a year, or should I say 11? of mia and know you want to tell me what to do? What makes you think you have that right? Don’t you think is a little bit late for the “perfect dad of the year roll”? I may have forgiven a lot of things but I haven’t forgotten them. Stop treating me like a child and stop acting like my father. Because in all the moments that I needed you, you weren’t there for me and just because you’re staying doesn’t mean you’re welcome.
Maybe it was a little bit early or impulsive to start arguing but I had so much anger towards  him that I just couldn’t contained myself. All of that was true. And, if the truth hurted him that was just a taste of what he had left me with, when he decided to drown himself in work and go live to the other side of the country foe business purposes. I walked into my room and closed the door. As I sat on the floor a tear ran down my face.
-Don’t cry, don’t cry-I said to myself.
This is what I mean when I say we can’t handle being around each other. As much time passes there is always something unsaid, pained on the deep of our hearts. That pain was the result of our little secret. The secret we had kept to ourselves all these years. A constant knife on our throats fighting to keep us from breathing, sucking us into a black hole where nothing but darkness remained. Our little secret.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Is this love?


 
Chap.5-Is this love?

-So can you explain this whole situation to me one more time?- I asked trying to keep calm and process what she was telling me.
-What aren´t you getting about “you were invited to a p-a-r-t-y”-Hana told me, still very excited but starting to get a little impatient-well you’re going to, technically.
-Jessica invited Andrew to Toby´s party and he said he was going to invite you-Erika continued, probably after tacking the phone out of Hanna´s hand-and we´re going too, obviously.
-How are you so shure he´s really going to invite me?-I asked rubbing my bracelet on  my wrist-I mean this has passed threw a lot of people´s mouths, how do you even know it´s true?
-Why wouldn´t it be?-it was Hanna again-we saw the way he looked at you in the cafeteria, and while I don’t think he´s good company for you it’s obvious that you like him, and he´s, in did, really hot.
-Has I said…-I heard Erika saying on the other side of the line, and I could hear the smile on her voice.
-So would you come? Please? It will be fun. I will even let you borrow my close and give you a ride home.
She could probably sense my uncertainty cause she heeded a “pleaaase” and I finally said yes.
Three hours later we were at the party. I looked down at the white lace dress that I had borrowed from Hana. It had a white corsage, that made my boobs look way bigger. I felt nervous and a little uncomfortable.
-Shake it off-Erika told me while I rubbed my silver bracelet on my wrist with my free hand-you look beautiful, I mean it!
-She´s right-Hana confirmed-I wish I had bigger boobs…-she said looking at mine with puppy dog eyes pouting.
We looked at each other and started laughing.
Then I saw him. Andrew. He looked hot. He was wearing ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. His air was a hot mess and his green eyes burned my skin while he slowly looked at me. He walked to me slowly and confidently while I rubbed my bracelet on to my wrist.
-You look stunning-he said when he finally got beside me and handed me a drink.
-I don’t drink-I said fast and nervously while my hands shaked and I dropped my drink on the floor.
Andrew was looking at me confused. I shacked my head and tried to get out of the room but he grabbed my hand. I looked right at his eyes and they screamed “please!” ,so I took his hand and guided him to Toby´s yard from where I had came him.
We sat on the grass and I breathe deeply.
-After my mother left me, I was in a dark place. I was in a rebellion state and my father didn´t really care that much-despite what my stepmother says, I don’t believe he ever really cared about me-my mom had some bad habits, so I grew up in that environment and alcohol and drugs weren’t that big of a deal for me. I started getting myself into some things that I shouldn’t have to, and it all happened so fast. I was too deep to get out in a few short months and I ended up overdosed in the hospital-I was shacking so hard that I thought that I might be having a panic attack- I almost cant remember a thing of what happened that year or before that. Since then i’ve been keeping away from alcohol and i’m scared that it can get out of control again.
Andrew hugged me, hard-it´s ok-he whispered-I’m here know, I’m here.
I don’t know how much time passed while we were just there, hugged on the grass, speechless just lost on each others heartbeats.
-I had never told this story to anyone before-I finally said-i´m pretty messed up, I know.
-Well I’m glad you told me-he said sincerely-and you´re really brave. Let me take you home.
-Um,I actually came with…
-Don’t worry, I will let them know I took you ok?
I was sleepy and tired so I let him go. A few minutes later he took me home on his motorcycle and I asked him if he could stay there with me. I fell asleep with a dumb smile on my face. He just lied there beside me, combing my hair with his fingers until I feel asleep unknowing the deep meaning that had for me. In the morning I found out that he had slept on the couch. That made me laugh. He made me laugh. When I was tacking a shower, after he left I was still smiling, I had someone that I trusted, that, for once in my life, made me feel beautiful, and sexy and special. A question that had been running threw my mind since last night got away from my lips before I could stop it, while I looked at my face in the mirror:
-Is this love?

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn


 
Chap.4-The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn
-Make you’re self at home-he said while he leaned his head to the couch’s direction-sit I will get us some drinks. What do you drink?
-Humm, the same as you, I guess-I responded in a soft voice while I sat on the couch.
-I´ll be right back then-he said while he went to the kitchen.
I looked down to my short leader skirt tight to my legs and I felt even more nervous while I pressed my silver bracelet against my wrist. I was trying to look has confident has I possibly could but the truth is I was terrified. When he walked into the room I was looking down to my bracelet and rubbing it frenetically to my wrist.
-Hey, what´s wrong?-he asked while he placed the drinks on the little table in front of the couch and he kneeled to the ground right in front of me while he put his hand on my chin and lifted my head towards his and our lips where only inches away from each others.
-Nothing-I said with a fake ,nervous smile while I looked right to his green eyes that stared right back at me reflecting all the nervousness and desire in mine. I think he was has nervous has I was. My smile got totally sincere reflecting how happy I was that he was right there with me.
-I know you don’t believe it, but-he bred heavily, and the words came slowly and I felt like he poor his heart out in every single one-you´re truly beautiful. If only you could see what I see .How can your eyes show so much pain but still glow every time you see me? Even when I can see the shades of your past hunting you, how can you still respond to my touch?-he touched my lips with his hand and I closed my eyes-to my voice, to my soul every time i’m around? I know I don’t know you, but I feel like I do and I want you to share your memories with me, those memories that hunt you and never let you be free. I want you to share that pain with me so it would be easier for you to handle them. I want you to be free and see what I see.
I still had my eyes closed and I felt his hand on my lips and on my neck and it felt like it had a special mining behind those touches. Then I opened my eyes and responded with them to his words while I said slowly-my memories are just mine, they are my pain, they are my suffering you cant share my pain but you can ease it. And you do. When you´re around I feel safe and I feel happy.
Then I did something I never thought I would do. I kissed him, for the first time. I had never kissed someone. Don’t get me wrong, I had been kissed before but i never had kissed someone. I put all my rage, my anger my dispere, my happiness and all my desire in that one kiss. In that flame that at last consumed us. The thoughts broke and everything that was rational got lost and burned up by the flame. It slowly burned lower and when it ended the phrase “the bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn” floated inside my mind. We´d past the point of no return.
The ice of our lemon ice teas had melted but we grabbed them and we lied on the couch drinking them and watching some stupid movie. I ended up falling asleep with my head on his shoulder while he combed my long blond hair slowly and softly. It was a good feeling. I had never let anyone touch my hair before cause it was a very personal thing for me. One of my many stupid restrictions and I felt like he was breaking them all. The stupid thing is that I loved him breaking rules he didn’t knew existed or that had that much meaning for me. He simply did, and even without my rules and restrictions, lying there beside him, I had never felt has safe or has at home before. I felt like, after a long time I had finally found myself. Again.

So nervous but so happy







Chap.3-  So nervous but so happy
I woke up sweaty and screaming. My dreams are always the same. I´ve come to the conclusion that they are memories that came to me in the form of flashbacks. Anyway they are never pleasant. I always wake up panicking and I repeat to my self “it is not true it was just a dream”. Even though I know that is not true I discovered is easier to live in a lye than face the true if the true is too disturbing for you to live with it. In that dream i´m 6 and i´m home and my mom is overdosed in the floor and i´m crying and I feel alone and desperate and I don’t know what to do.  It wasn’t the last time but is one of the most frequent nightmares I get.
I got up. I was dressing a baggy sweeter and some wool socks that ended above my knew. I went to the kitchen grabbed  a glass of water and I went to the garden. I lied on the grass as I did so often and looked at the stars. It was cold and the grass was a little bit wet but I really licked that feeling. When I closed my eyes I instantly fell asleep and I had a slept calmly till morning.
I woke up with the voice of my step mother-How many times have I said the same thing Alice? Look at you .-I did. I was full of mode. I didn’t realize what was the problem. If I didn’t care about why did she?- Doesn’t mather know go get ready. Know! –So I did.
In school the time flew from one class to another until lunch break. As I did the day before I went to the cafeteria to grab my apple.
-In that all you´re eating?-A girl asked me.
In contrary to me she was a brunet and she was really curvy. She was really pretty and had a big smile on her face. I didnt respond cause I didn’t knew what to say.
-Oh come sit with me- she said while she laughed a little of my shyness.
When we sat on a table she said:-I´m Hanna.
-Alice-I said in a low voice.
She opened a bag of ships and started eating them.
-Want one?-I toock one and she smiled happily at me-So, you must be the knew girl. Where are you from?
-Harvon, actually.
-Oh girl doesn´t surprise me that you left that school is such a spas.-Another girl with short blond hair and big brown eyes came and sat on our table-hey Hanna-she said.
-OMG I just had biology I didn’t get a thing .I was not made for this.
-I´m actually quite good at biology, I could help you if you like.-I offered.
-Oh hey you must be the knew girl-she turned at me and she also had a happy smile on her face- That would be so cool- I´m Erika.
-Alice, yes no problem.
We talked during lunch and I actually had fun. They were very happy and easily excited witch made  my mood light up quite a bit. When Andrew came in and looked right at me I heard Hanna say:
-Oh, I cant believe what my eyes see. Andrew is not good company.
-Oh, we just talked once. His not interested-I said hoping I was wrong.
-Oh he looks very interested to me-Erika said-And he´s not that bad Hanna, he´s actually cute. Go say something don’t just let him hang there. Poor guy-she pushed me away softly.
I  walked at him and when I got close to him he was smiling.
-Walk with me?-I asked a little afraid he wouldn’t follow me. But he did so I went to the garden.
-I looked for you but I didn’t knew where you were-he said has he sat on the grass. I sat close to him, outside was really cold and i had forgotten my jacket.
-Did you want to say something or did you just wanted my company?-I asked a little bit nervous about his answer.
-Both, I guess-he said and he looked right to my eyes, and then he looked away- there is going to be a party and I was wondering if you would like to go. With me.
I thought about it. No, I didn’t want to go to a party. There would be alcohol and drugs and I really didn’t feel good about that. But I didn’t really want to say no to him. So I had the courage to say something that I didn’t expect but the words were out of my moth before I could stop them.
-I was actually thinking about that invitation you made yesterday, and I would like to go to your house today after school- I rubbed  my bracelet on to my wrist.
He noticed it and held my hand. In the place under the bracelet the skin was cuted and bleeding a little bit. Honestly I was so used to deal with the pain that I didn’t even feel it. But he looked worried. He pressured his lips to my wrist ,brightly and needy and then kissed it.
-I´ll met you at 16:00 pm in front of your classroom-he said looking at me and smiling. Than the bell rang and he leaded me to my classroom. As I walked into the classroom I looked at him smiling at me with those perfect lips and those big green eyes and I asked myself how it was possible to be so nervous but so happy at the same time.

Surprisingly sweet stranger

  
                                         Chap.2-Surprisingly sweet stranger
I got from one class to another. Thankfully the break´s time was the right time for me to find the next classroom so I didn’t have to worry about people seeing me alone. I could just pretend I was busy and concentrated. Personally I licked being alone but other people seeing me alone ,with their judgy peaty eyes, the whisper´s and the smirks made me feel really uncomfortable and ashamed that I had to admit the reality : I did not have friends and I would always be that girl a little bit too weird a little bit too shy.
At lunch time I grabbed an apple and I went to the school garden to avoid having to sit alone on a table. The garden was almost deserted so I sat on the grass, took my  I pod and my notebook and started listening to music and drawing as I ate my apple. I was there four like 45 minutes completely focused on what I was doing when I noticed a shade that had been there for quite a while and that I had been simply to focused to detect before. Slowly I took my headphones and I looked back in the direction of the source of the shade.
-That´s amazing-he said.
I just locked at him. He had really dark hair and his skin was slightly tained, but what I noticed the most were his green eyes starring back at mine. Than I looked at his lips. They were totally symmetrical and  bright red. When the spell broke I realized I had been starring at him and that he had been watching me ,witch was creepier then anything else. I felt too exposed, no one had ever seen my drawings before. I quickly closed my notebook.
-You know it´s rude, not to say creepy that you´ve been observing me for the past half hour?-I said pressing the bracelet to my rist, in an angry voice, he was invading my privacy and espying on me.
-I wasn´t spying on you. I was simply watching your drawings-he said calmly, smiling softly.
-So you weren’t watching me, but you were watching what I was doing, that´s still spying- I was mad that he didn’t even try to deny what he was doing and that he was so upcoming about it.
-You´re right, I’m sorry- he said sincerely, locking a little bit embarrassed and smiling in a shy and kind of sweet way. I was happy that he recognized it- I´m Andrew, by the way-he said smiling more openly know. I smiled softly a little embarrassed that I got so mad at this surprisingly sweet stranger-Alice-I replied in a softer voice.
-And I meant what I said-he continued-they are truly amazing-he said pointing to my notebook-Do you think you could show them to me.?
I looked apprehensively at him. My drawings were a very privet part of my life and I wasn’t shure I was ready to share them. He probably got my apprehension cause he just asked:
-Can I sit with you then?
-Shure.
-So what are you listening?
I showed him the music on my ipod and we got to the conclusion that we had a very similar taste for music. We spend the rest of the lunch break talking about music and artists and other subjects that came up in the conversation. I laughed, cause he was funny and I felt good. It was easy to talk to him. We were alike and we got each other. In a long time I didn’t feel like Alice the ofernage weird girl with a druggy addicted mother. I just felt like Alice. When  the bell ringed he took me to the next class cause he knew where it was. It was a year older than me so he had to go. For some reason I was reluctant in letting him go.
-Do you want to meet after school? Come to my place, it will be fun.
-I have stuff to do- I lied. I didn’t really feel comfortable going to his house. And even worse for him to come to mine .-But I will see you tomorrow?
He looked at me and didn’t say anything.
-Right?-I insisted.
-Yes-he said smiling and gave me a kiss on the check. That was sweet. He was sweet.
I didn’t see him later that day. My step mother picked me up at exactly 16:00 pm. She made some comment that I seemed different. For some unexplained reason I felt different. When I got to bed I was still thinking about that surprisingly sweet stranger.

Alice,just Alice

 






Cap.1- Alice, just Alice

-Is that what you´re wearing on your big day?-She asked with her always questioning eyes- Four God´s sake girl, I will choose something for you to wear, just go get ready, Alice.
As I went into the bathroom and closed the door I leaned against it and Ibread heavily. I was nervous, scared.
Alice. Witch for a lot of people is a unique and strange name from a fairy tale for me is just the result of a mother a little bit too high, a little bit too irresponsible to take care of a child. A name is supposed to be a fundamental composer of a person´s personality. A piece of what they are. Well for me my name is just a constant reminder of the life I was restrained from. A baggage that I carry around with me, of which I can never be free from, like a heavy chain restraining me from opportunities that gives peaty in exchange.
When I was born my mother gave me the name Alice, because of my bright big blue eyes and blond hair witch reminded her of the girl in a book witch had always been her favorite. Crazy right? This is what they told me, I don’t believe in it. This story. The women in it sounds lovely and carrying, nothing like the women I met, that was too drugged to take care of her own child and had to give her away, abandoning her in a big world that wasn’t “exactly” wonderland for her. But one thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t make too many questions, actually I shouldn’t make them at all. I should just keep them to myself and learn to live with them running free and uncontrollably inside my head. Witch I did.
When I got out of the bathroom just with a towel wraped around my skinish,tiny body I looked to the outfit on the bed that my step mother had come up with for me to wear on my first day named my “big day” by her. A beautiful black backless dress was lying on the bed. I quickly put it on and combed my still wet, long blond hair and looked in the mirror. The girl starring back at me was a complete stranger. I looked right into her eyes and I could see the shades of her past. I quickly looked away and I was picking my favorite black baggy sweet shirt when my step mother came into the room.
-Alice, are you ready?!- she stopped talking while she walked into the room and stared at me- you look beautiful- she said with sincerity tacking the best of her voice, and I think, for a moment her eyes melted a little. I´m not shure because in the next moment her eyes got cold again- Oh you´re not wearing that awful old thing. Don’t even think that you will- She said referring to my old sweet shirt. The only thing that gave comfort in that outfit that exposed me too much to the world.
-But…-I mumbled.
-Not buts ,Alice- She cut me off- know we should go, or you´re going to be late.
Has she walked out off my room with the implied intention for me to follow her I looked peatefelly to my sweatshirt and I let it follow on the bed. I put on my black boots and grabbed my black little bag and ran to the car that waited me outside.
Has the car stopped in front of the school I looked down to the silver bracelet on my wrist ,the only thing I had that related me to my mother, the only thing that I had witch was her´s, the only physical thing that related me  to my old life. The only thing that belonged just to me, just like my thoughts.
-Your father wishes you luck-she told me in a soft voice, talking about the sensitive topic as I was getting the courage to get out of the car. I nodded.-You know he wanted to be here today right?-I nodded again even though it wasn’t true. My father had been has present in my life in the past few years has my mom. I didn’t blame him. I think he couldn’t be around me because I reminded him too much of my mom. So he started avoiding me  and when he wasn’t he always got upset. Like me. Not that I hated him but being together just got to hard for both of us after my mom…
-Alice, you have to go or you’re going to be late-she interrupted my thoughts .
-Ok, I guess I will see you later then?-my voice cracked. My hands were shaking and I pressed the silver bracelet to my rist with my other hand as I always did when I was nervous. I knew I was all alone after I left that car.
-Yes I will pick you up at 16:00 pm.-I opened the door as she talked but I didn’t turn my face to her-try to make friends-she stopped talking ,her voice was low and sad- you just have to try-she haded.
I got out of the car and I closed the door a little too hard due to my nerves. I hated the reference that she made to “my” old school that never felt like mine at all. She tried to avoid and ignore that part of my life as much as I did but I knew she couldn’t resist to bring it up today. It happens school hasn’t always been wonderland for me. At all. You were waiting for this reference weren’t you?
The new school was big and I was kind of lost. As I walked threw the hallways I wished I had my big comfy sweeter to hide me from the curious looks of the other students on the knew girl. I was already late when I arrived at my first class. I had been running threw the school for the past 5 minutes so when I finally got to the classroom I knocked on the door, I opened it and I asked in a shaken voice :-is this 10ÂșC?
I was waiting to get some kind of joke or an lecture coming from the teacher´s voice but instead of that I got a smile and a warm voice saying-Yes, it is- Everyone was starring at me and I hated that kind of attention ,or any attention if I’m being honest so that was a little reconferting.
As i was walking towards an empty sit as fast as I could he asked me- What´s your name ,girl?- I turned my head slightly on his direction and I responded:
-Alice-I said still panting.
-Alice what?-he said still not satisfied.
Other people had a second name but honestly I didn’t knew mine. I didn´t even knew if I ever had one. It wasn´t even something that I wanted to know, one more lost memory from my past .One more thing that I didn’t or wanted to remember. I was ready to sit down and mix with the crowd so I simply said:
-Alice ,just Alice.