Chap.13-. I was Alice. just Alice

Chap.13-. I was Alice. just Alice

I was staring out of my bedroom’s window. There was a paper bag full of Autumn lives . It was flying gently with a soft breeze’s impulse. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. There was so much beauty in the world. Everywhere I looked. And I felt as though no one else appreciated it, or understood it the way I did. 

 

 

  Everything was so fragile, so delicate, so essential.. so beautiful and I felt like I was unworthy of such strange beauty. The simple beauty of the outside world was breathtaking.

  My dad had just ended the quimio sessions, and although he was never going to be 100% in the clear, (because cancer doesn’t have a cure); he was good now. As good as he would ever be anyway. He was just happy to be alive and,  a bit like me, he was growing to appreciate the all consuming pleasure of the privileged to be alive. He finally quit his work and both he and my step mother decided to go and see the world, to travel to all the places they ever dreamed about, to enjoy and make the most of their lives. I could have gone with them… but I had other plans. I decided to stay because of my friends, because of school, but mostly because of the love of my life. And I know, I’m too young, too naive, too unrealistic to be saying that . But honestly that’s how I feel. He was the one I wanted to be with for the good, bad and ugly. He had seen me at my worst so I think that I owe him my best, and I intended on giving  him the best of me everyday for the rest of our lives.

I couldn’t shake the feeling as though a chapter of my life was closing. Witch meant a new one could open. I still had demons under my bed. Who doesn’t. I learned to live with them. I learned to look past them the moment I found someone who loved me regardlessly of them. A love so powerful, so strong that made me feel a child again, gave me everything I needed to be happy has I never was before. My life still wasn’t a fairy tale. I didn’t live in wonderland. No, that wasn’t for me. I was Alice. just Alice.

Chap.12-Life is completely and utterly unpredictable

Life is completely and utterly unpredictable

Life is completely and utterly unpredictable. Just when you think everything is going great it all turns around in a matter of seconds. In that moment you feel forced to face the cruel reality, you may find yourself asking pathetic questions like why? or why to me? Maybe even questioning everything that you took for granted until it happens, until it all turned around and tumbled at your feet. And it hurts. It’s painful. But just keep in mind that without this eye opener you would never fully appreciate what you have. And although the ride might be hard and you feel like you can’t hold on anymore, just remember that I’m right here, beside you, to help you up if you fall.

 So this post is dedicated to my best friend. I love you.

 

                                    ***

 

 

  It was already morning when Andrew drove me back home. I said goodbye with a kiss that took more than it probably should.

  -Not that I want you to, but shouldn’t you get going love?- Andrew asked me with a sweet smile.

  -Yes- I said pulling him closer again for one more kiss. I really didn’t want to go inside and face my dad. So I was just trying to stay near Andrew as long as I possibly could.

  After a few more minutes Andrew pulled his lips apart from mine again and looked at me with those beautiful, playfully judgy green eyes, so I finally gave him a last, quick kiss and rushed inside.

  It was all surprisingly quiet. Although I did not want to run into my dad I didn’t want not to  know where he was either. After going to the kitchen to make some coffee the silence installed in the house started to get loudly uncomfortable. I quickly ran upstairs to check if he was in his bedroom, sleeping. I peeked, standing near his bedroom door, but I still couldn’t find   him. I entered the room to see if he really wasn’t inside. He wasn’t. As I was turning back, to get out of the room, convinced he had gone out, as usual, I practically stepped him.

  -God! You scared me! Jesus!

  He didn’t say anything, giving me the sufficient time to allow me to better examine his face. He looked tired, exhausted. He had that sour smell that I had been smelling in the house, since he had come back. But only know I had associated it with a particular, distinctive smell.

  -Dad…-I looked at him with an unexpressive face- have you been throwing up?

  He nodded. He had such a desperate face.

  -Baby..-he told me- I know you are strong, but there are some fights that not even you can fight against. He went to reach my harm and I quickly pulled back.

  -What? What’s going on?- I asked confused.

  This was bad. My dad was so strong, he always knew what to do, even if it wasn’t the right thing. We had our differences and I pretended I hated him, but I didn’t. I loved by father. The expression on my face became desperate , lost.

  -What?

  I was practically screaming.

  He said the words slowly, like something that is ugly to be said out loud. Has if by saying it, it would become more true then it was, that it would be worst. Like admitting something that made him give up to what he had been fighting against. But has he said, there are some enemies that we can’t fight against. And even if we do, there are some we just can’t win.

  -I have cancer.

  The light was gone from my face. My face totally unexpressive by the shock. The words echoing in my head.

I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then

 

 

 

 

   Chap.11- I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then

 

I was there again. With her. Alone. The memory rolled again and again in my mind. So real. So vivid. My mom was screaming. I could sense the pain in her voice. She was so loud, so desperate so out of it. Then she fell on the ground, and calmed down. When her face was at my level I got close to her and just leaned against her know still body. Her eyes looked so tired and so numb, like she couldn’t feel a thing, and still a tear was slowly sliding down her cheek  as she looked at me in a moment of weakness, she was tired. I remember leaning forward and kissing her wet cheek, as my hand softly touched her belly. Than it all turns to a blur.

                                                                                 ..

I woke up in a sweaty panic. I was breeding heavily and has I reached out to grab my pillow I realized that wasn’t my bed. Yes, I remember know, after I hugged my dad I didn’t want to be alone and I ended up falling asleep in his bed. He was just staring back at me in the dark. I knew this because I could see the white of his eyes, wide open, staring back at me.

-I have them too, the nightmares..-he started.

-You weren’t there. I was. –I replied.

After coming to my senses I wasn’t sure this had been such a good idea. I quickly pulled back the sheets and got out of bed. I needed to get out of there. As I grabbed my mobile phone and ran down the stars I heard my father asking me in the distance:

-Ally!-he called- Ally where are you going ?

I was already out the door. I picked my phone and dialed one, to the only person I knew that I would want to be with. Always.

-Hey can you come pick me up? Quick? I need to get some air..

In five minutes Andrew was in front of my house with his motorcycle. He had come so fast. I got on that thing has fast as I could and I just told him –let’s go-has I grabbed on to his body covered in a big black leader jacket. And we did.

It was breaking dawn and we were at the beach, just sitting there. I was feeling the cold winter wind on my hair with his leader jacked warming my skinny body, barely covered by my confi ,but not really warm sweatshirt ,  looking at the sea with my head on his shoulder just thinking about everything and anything.

-I love you.-I suddenly said. For an outsider it might seem like it came out of nowhere. But we knew.-a lot.-I looked at this beautiful boy, my boy, so strong but his eyes looked at me in warm,  gentle and unique way he always looked at me.

-I love you too All-he told me, turning his face away and looking at the sea- so much it hurts me to think about ever loosing you.- when he looked back at me he had fear in his eyes.

I hided my face on his neck and I slowly pressured my lips against it, kissing it.

-You won’t lose me. Ever. – He was too important. If only he knew how much..-then a question that was desperate for somebody’s attention ran out of my lips without permission-do you think.. I am a different person? Since you met me? Have I changed?

-No All, you didn’t change. You are still the same girl. We can’t change. Any of us. For as long and as hard as we try, because we all have our pasts to hold on to. But we can evolve. You did.

-But I feel like a different person. I want to go back, to the past and change so much that I have done, because I feel like I would do things differently, doesn’t that mean I’m a different person?

-If you really were a different person, than you couldn’t go back to the past, because you can only control what you did, not what someone else did. As such you only have control over your past, not of the one that belongs to the person you were.

And I was. That’s why I couldn’t go back. That’s why no one could. But that didn’t mean I could stop wishing otherwise. Then I just shutted it all out, as I always did when the thoughts on my mind got to loud and too uncontrollable. And for just a second I allowed myself to live in the moment, until only us, lost in each others lips on that beach existed.

Chap.10-I miss them too

Chap.10-I miss them too

 I woke up really early that morning, it was chilly outside and my bed was so confy and warm that I decided to get some thinking done while I stared at the sealing and listened to the rain typing softly on my window.

 Once again things were looking up, I could get used to it. This warm feeling in my belly that made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I was still the same girl, I still had my past to hold on to, but I had evolved. I had friends and a wonderful boyfriend that meant the world to me.

 But you know that little thing in the deep corners of your mind that never leaves you alone? The one that is demanding your attention to remind you that you steal have things to be solved? I still had that one. I thought about my father. Was he sharing this sudden and urgent need to tell and unbury what we had buried for so long?

 I got out of bed abot thirty minutes after my decision not to, my over thinking had already left me unsettled for the day. I quickly dressed my white fuzzy wool sweater and I walked down the stairs to get a glass of milk. As I was leaving the kitchen with the warm glass of milk in my hands I stopped right in front of my father and I looked right into those familiar and yet unknown eyes. I got out of his way and as I was leaving I realized I needed to talk about It.

-Dad- I called in a low and uncertain voice.

-Yes Ally?-he had a sleepy yet soft voice.

-Shouldn’t we.. hum.. talk about.. it?-I mumbled.

-Talk about what?

As if he didn’t know.

-It-my voice was plain this time.

-There´s nothing to talk about-the only thing that I could hear in his voice was exhaustion.

As I was leaving he added, like calling me:

-I have been thinking a lot about It-him too, recently.

I looked into his eyes. During all this time I had only seen my pain, when the reality was that there was so much beyond it. I might had lost a brother but he had lost a son. And there it was again, our little secret, the one that I had been trying to run away from during so much time, harming my self because of it in so many ways, simply to escape the reality, my reality. Because, when my mother died, I didn’t loose just her, no. She was pregnant. I lost the two most important people in my life and there would never be anything I could do to change it, to bring them back. In the clinic where I was after I overdosed they suspected that I was harming myself with drugs and alcohol to, unconsciously, try to commit suicide, because I knew, deep down, that was the only way I was ever going to see the again. They were wrong. It was conscious.

-I miss them- I said while a tear streamed down my face.

My dad just hugged me and kissed my forehead while he said:

-I miss them too Ally, so much, too much- as he hugged me tighter.

Chap.9-I´ve always been yours

 

 

                                Chap.9-I´ve always been yours

   

  It was new year. I couldn´t believe it. One year had passed ,and I had changed so much, but was still very much the same girl as I was a year ago.

  I was excited. Not because of being new year or the vision of a “fresh start” ,it was too late for that. It was too late to try to scape from the ghosts of my past, I knew that. But it wasn’t late for one thing: to go meet Andrew. Just his name made a dumb smile appear on my lips.  He had invited me to go watch the fireworks with him tonight, at the beach and I couldn´t nor I wanted to say no. I was really excited to see him, I had really missed him and I hadn’t been with him nearly enough since my dad got back.

  When I got to the beach where I was supposed to meet him it was really dark and crowded and I started to panic a little bit. I couldn’t see anything and the loud noise and drunk people made me quite uncomfortable. I started backing out as fast as I could, not watching where I was going and hyperventilating in the middle of the crowd, and just when I felt like I was going to pass out I felt strong and familiar harms grabbing me and pulling me closer -Andrew.

  We walked for a few minutes, until a place in the beach that was almost totally desert. He carefully sat me on the sand and he sat beside me, and protectively put his harm around my skinny body while I rested my head on his shoulder.

-Hi-he said in a soft voice.

-Hi-I responded, and, somehow, this word showed him that I was smiling. I was so happy to be there, in his harms. It was like I belonged there, and all my life had been leading me to that very moment.

  -You know, life  at home hasn’t exactly been good for me this past few days, I always have this feeling like..

  He waited for me to continue. Because I didn´t he instigated:

 - Like?..

-  Like I need to be somewhere else. Like I don’t belong. And this is a feeling that I had my entire life. That I don’t feet in and no matter what I do or how hard I try I never will..

  -All..-he started.

  -No, let me finish-he nodded so I continued-but somehow this ,being here ,with you, it feels…right ,and I feel like,  here is where I always wanted to be-I smiled and turned my face to him. He looked as beautiful as he always did, his hair was a hot mess and his green eyes where staring back at me with that same glow they always had when he was with me. He pressured his lips to my forehead and something in that gesture showed me that he.. loved me?

   In the background, outside from our world we heard people starting to make the count down.

   -60,59,58…

  -You know-he told me, resting his forehead in mine- I just realized that you´re not officially my girl.

   -55,54…

   What?

  -52…

  -I mean, I know we know each other for very little time, and I know how ridiculous I probably look right know-oh he had no idea, I tried not to laugh-but when you really..-is he going to say it?-..love someone-he did!- you don’t need time, you just know. Maybe that’s part of the reason why it never felt like I was getting to know you, it always felt like I was  remembering you, your smile, your voice, your touch, your kiss.. and you make me fall in love with you with every second that goes by, I  couldn’t possibly imagine life without you , ´cause looking back, until I knew you, it just felt like I was half alive, and you completed it, me-the words where flowing out of his mouth and softly touching my heart, like a secret touch between lovers. A tear streamed down my face- what I’m trying to say is: I love you- he gently whipped the tear out off my face-and I want you to be mine.

   -5,4,3,2…

   I didn’t know what to say so I kissed him and I slowly melted like honey in his mouth, when we got out of breath and I moved my lips apart from his, I was still gasping for air while I leaned forward till my lips softly touched his hear and I whispered-I´m yours.

   -1

   I´ve always been yours.  

Chap.8- The cherry tree

 

 

                          Chap.8- The cherry tree

  When I got home I felt really tired and my head felt like a piece of shapeless cotton ball. I only had one thing on my mind- my bed.

  I tried to make as little noise as I possibly could as I ran up the stairs, so my father wouldn’t listen to me, and wouldn’t make me answer a list of questions that I bet were running threw his mind. Didn’t he think it was a little bit to late to take the “I’m an involved father in my daughter´s life” train?  

  When I closed my bedroom door and threw my school bag to the other side of the room, I already had a victory smile on my face right after I noticed my father ,standing there in one side of the room, looking out of the window. My smile faded.

 -It´s still there-he said not letting any emotion passing through his town of voice, while he stared out of the window, to the cherry tree covered in snow, that my mom had planted for.. No. I´m not going there. Some things are better unburied.

-It is- I said in the same town of voice as my father.

-How could that small ,fragile tree survive and become so big and so strong?-he asked, more to himself that to me- even after what happened, after the pain and the guilt have consumed us , after our lives have been thrown apart and we find ourselves in a cross row without knowing what to do, or how to do it, how does it stand there, so strong , so bold, showing us that it can be done , that we are nothing but week , because you could do it and I couldn’t and I still cant and sometimes and im has lost as the little girl I held in my harms and whipped the tears of her face, the one to who I promised I would never leave her side, but I did-he was barely holding the tears at the moment-I did..

I didn’t knew what to say, why was he telling me all this know? I turned off the brave and careless part of me because I was tired to be strong and independent. So I did the one thing that I wanted but didn’t do in 11 years.

I hugged my dad.

Sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most

 

           Chap.7- Sometimes the people closest to you can  be the one´s holding you back the most

-And how are things going with your dad? I heard his back in town..

 I was feeling like something a cat had puked. Since my last fight with my dad 2 nights ago I barely had slept and he was seriously messing with my nervous system. I just wanted to be home, or any place at all in the world that wasn’t the office of my guidance counselor-Brocke.

-They´re great-I said with an unexpressive face.

 Why would I open up to a complete stranger? Bigger question than that : how did she think I would? People say it´s easier to talk to a stranger, liars. So I was just supposed to share my personal and deeply messed up life with a women that I barely even knew so that she could tell me how to live it? Yes that makes complete sense. Anyways I was too tired for that. I just wanted to get that over that so I could proceed with my day.

-Ok, great-she said with a smile on her face. Phony- So I will show you some pictures and I will make you some question ok?

No.

-Yes, shure -that wasn’t weird- do you do this to like every student that comes in here?

-No-she answered sincerely.

So.. why to me? I should have asked. Yet again I was tired and out of it.

-Ok-I finally said.

She showed me a picture of a family-of course -.- .

-It´s a family. The sun is shining and their smiling. It´s a happy picture-I said still with an unexpressive face.

-So how does that make you feel?

-Happy-I said smiling. When I saw the look on Broocke´s face I realized my smile must have looked pretty fake. Well happy families weren’t exactly what I wanting to see.

-You know this wont work unless your honest with me- Brocke said with a serious look on her face.

I put on the most offended expression I could given the conditions-I don’t know what you´re talking about. I am as honest and open as a person can be-lie.

-You know it´s important to have a good support system. People you can really talk to. Have anyone you can talk to. Friends?

-Yes. They´re great. Totally supportive-another lie, they didn’t even knew. How many are we in? 4?

-Great, but still be cachous.

-Why?-I asked rhetorically- because sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most?

-In did. Where did you learn that?

-I don’t know-But I did. My mom used to tell me that all the time.

And it was true. But at the time she didn’t knew just how true she was.