Is this love?

 

Chap.5-Is this love?

-So can you explain this whole situation to me one more time?- I asked trying to keep calm and process what she was telling me.

-What aren´t you getting about “you were invited to a p-a-r-t-y”-Hana told me, still very excited but starting to get a little impatient-well you’re going to, technically.

-Jessica invited Andrew to Toby´s party and he said he was going to invite you-Erika continued, probably after tacking the phone out of Hanna´s hand-and we´re going too, obviously.

-How are you so shure he´s really going to invite me?-I asked rubbing my bracelet on  my wrist-I mean this has passed threw a lot of people´s mouths, how do you even know it´s true?

-Why wouldn´t it be?-it was Hanna again-we saw the way he looked at you in the cafeteria, and while I don’t think he´s good company for you it’s obvious that you like him, and he´s, in did, really hot.

-Has I said…-I heard Erika saying on the other side of the line, and I could hear the smile on her voice.

-So would you come? Please? It will be fun. I will even let you borrow my close and give you a ride home.

She could probably sense my uncertainty cause she heeded a “pleaaase” and I finally said yes.

Three hours later we were at the party. I looked down at the white lace dress that I had borrowed from Hana. It had a white corsage, that made my boobs look way bigger. I felt nervous and a little uncomfortable.

-Shake it off-Erika told me while I rubbed my silver bracelet on my wrist with my free hand-you look beautiful, I mean it!

-She´s right-Hana confirmed-I wish I had bigger boobs…-she said looking at mine with puppy dog eyes pouting.

We looked at each other and started laughing.

Then I saw him. Andrew. He looked hot. He was wearing ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. His air was a hot mess and his green eyes burned my skin while he slowly looked at me. He walked to me slowly and confidently while I rubbed my bracelet on to my wrist.

-You look stunning-he said when he finally got beside me and handed me a drink.

-I don’t drink-I said fast and nervously while my hands shaked and I dropped my drink on the floor.

Andrew was looking at me confused. I shacked my head and tried to get out of the room but he grabbed my hand. I looked right at his eyes and they screamed “please!” ,so I took his hand and guided him to Toby´s yard from where I had came him.

We sat on the grass and I breathe deeply.

-After my mother left me, I was in a dark place. I was in a rebellion state and my father didn´t really care that much-despite what my stepmother says, I don’t believe he ever really cared about me-my mom had some bad habits, so I grew up in that environment and alcohol and drugs weren’t that big of a deal for me. I started getting myself into some things that I shouldn’t have to, and it all happened so fast. I was too deep to get out in a few short months and I ended up overdosed in the hospital-I was shacking so hard that I thought that I might be having a panic attack- I almost cant remember a thing of what happened that year or before that. Since then i’ve been keeping away from alcohol and i’m scared that it can get out of control again.

Andrew hugged me, hard-it´s ok-he whispered-I’m here know, I’m here.

I don’t know how much time passed while we were just there, hugged on the grass, speechless just lost on each others heartbeats.

-I had never told this story to anyone before-I finally said-i´m pretty messed up, I know.

-Well I’m glad you told me-he said sincerely-and you´re really brave. Let me take you home.

-Um,I actually came with…

-Don’t worry, I will let them know I took you ok?

I was sleepy and tired so I let him go. A few minutes later he took me home on his motorcycle and I asked him if he could stay there with me. I fell asleep with a dumb smile on my face. He just lied there beside me, combing my hair with his fingers until I feel asleep unknowing the deep meaning that had for me. In the morning I found out that he had slept on the couch. That made me laugh. He made me laugh. When I was tacking a shower, after he left I was still smiling, I had someone that I trusted, that, for once in my life, made me feel beautiful, and sexy and special. A question that had been running threw my mind since last night got away from my lips before I could stop it, while I looked at my face in the mirror:

-Is this love?

The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn

 

Chap.4-The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn

-Make you’re self at home-he said while he leaned his head to the couch’s direction-sit I will get us some drinks. What do you drink?

-Humm, the same as you, I guess-I responded in a soft voice while I sat on the couch.

-I´ll be right back then-he said while he went to the kitchen.

I looked down to my short leader skirt tight to my legs and I felt even more nervous while I pressed my silver bracelet against my wrist. I was trying to look has confident has I possibly could but the truth is I was terrified. When he walked into the room I was looking down to my bracelet and rubbing it frenetically to my wrist.

-Hey, what´s wrong?-he asked while he placed the drinks on the little table in front of the couch and he kneeled to the ground right in front of me while he put his hand on my chin and lifted my head towards his and our lips where only inches away from each others.

-Nothing-I said with a fake ,nervous smile while I looked right to his green eyes that stared right back at me reflecting all the nervousness and desire in mine. I think he was has nervous has I was. My smile got totally sincere reflecting how happy I was that he was right there with me.

-I know you don’t believe it, but-he bred heavily, and the words came slowly and I felt like he poor his heart out in every single one-you´re truly beautiful. If only you could see what I see .How can your eyes show so much pain but still glow every time you see me? Even when I can see the shades of your past hunting you, how can you still respond to my touch?-he touched my lips with his hand and I closed my eyes-to my voice, to my soul every time i’m around? I know I don’t know you, but I feel like I do and I want you to share your memories with me, those memories that hunt you and never let you be free. I want you to share that pain with me so it would be easier for you to handle them. I want you to be free and see what I see.

I still had my eyes closed and I felt his hand on my lips and on my neck and it felt like it had a special mining behind those touches. Then I opened my eyes and responded with them to his words while I said slowly-my memories are just mine, they are my pain, they are my suffering you cant share my pain but you can ease it. And you do. When you´re around I feel safe and I feel happy.

Then I did something I never thought I would do. I kissed him, for the first time. I had never kissed someone. Don’t get me wrong, I had been kissed before but i never had kissed someone. I put all my rage, my anger my dispere, my happiness and all my desire in that one kiss. In that flame that at last consumed us. The thoughts broke and everything that was rational got lost and burned up by the flame. It slowly burned lower and when it ended the phrase “the bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn” floated inside my mind. We´d past the point of no return.

The ice of our lemon ice teas had melted but we grabbed them and we lied on the couch drinking them and watching some stupid movie. I ended up falling asleep with my head on his shoulder while he combed my long blond hair slowly and softly. It was a good feeling. I had never let anyone touch my hair before cause it was a very personal thing for me. One of my many stupid restrictions and I felt like he was breaking them all. The stupid thing is that I loved him breaking rules he didn’t knew existed or that had that much meaning for me. He simply did, and even without my rules and restrictions, lying there beside him, I had never felt has safe or has at home before. I felt like, after a long time I had finally found myself. Again.

So nervous but so happy

Chap.3-  So nervous but so happy

I woke up sweaty and screaming. My dreams are always the same. I´ve come to the conclusion that they are memories that came to me in the form of flashbacks. Anyway they are never pleasant. I always wake up panicking and I repeat to my self “it is not true it was just a dream”. Even though I know that is not true I discovered is easier to live in a lye than face the true if the true is too disturbing for you to live with it. In that dream i´m 6 and i´m home and my mom is overdosed in the floor and i´m crying and I feel alone and desperate and I don’t know what to do.  It wasn’t the last time but is one of the most frequent nightmares I get.

I got up. I was dressing a baggy sweeter and some wool socks that ended above my knew. I went to the kitchen grabbed  a glass of water and I went to the garden. I lied on the grass as I did so often and looked at the stars. It was cold and the grass was a little bit wet but I really licked that feeling. When I closed my eyes I instantly fell asleep and I had a slept calmly till morning.

I woke up with the voice of my step mother-How many times have I said the same thing Alice? Look at you .-I did. I was full of mode. I didn’t realize what was the problem. If I didn’t care about why did she?- Doesn’t mather know go get ready. Know! –So I did.

In school the time flew from one class to another until lunch break. As I did the day before I went to the cafeteria to grab my apple.

-In that all you´re eating?-A girl asked me.

In contrary to me she was a brunet and she was really curvy. She was really pretty and had a big smile on her face. I didnt respond cause I didn’t knew what to say.

-Oh come sit with me- she said while she laughed a little of my shyness.

When we sat on a table she said:-I´m Hanna.

-Alice-I said in a low voice.

She opened a bag of ships and started eating them.

-Want one?-I toock one and she smiled happily at me-So, you must be the knew girl. Where are you from?

-Harvon, actually.

-Oh girl doesn´t surprise me that you left that school is such a spas.-Another girl with short blond hair and big brown eyes came and sat on our table-hey Hanna-she said.

-OMG I just had biology I didn’t get a thing .I was not made for this.

-I´m actually quite good at biology, I could help you if you like.-I offered.

-Oh hey you must be the knew girl-she turned at me and she also had a happy smile on her face- That would be so cool- I´m Erika.

-Alice, yes no problem.

We talked during lunch and I actually had fun. They were very happy and easily excited witch made  my mood light up quite a bit. When Andrew came in and looked right at me I heard Hanna say:

-Oh, I cant believe what my eyes see. Andrew is not good company.

-Oh, we just talked once. His not interested-I said hoping I was wrong.

-Oh he looks very interested to me-Erika said-And he´s not that bad Hanna, he´s actually cute. Go say something don’t just let him hang there. Poor guy-she pushed me away softly.

I  walked at him and when I got close to him he was smiling.

-Walk with me?-I asked a little afraid he wouldn’t follow me. But he did so I went to the garden.

-I looked for you but I didn’t knew where you were-he said has he sat on the grass. I sat close to him, outside was really cold and i had forgotten my jacket.

-Did you want to say something or did you just wanted my company?-I asked a little bit nervous about his answer.

-Both, I guess-he said and he looked right to my eyes, and then he looked away- there is going to be a party and I was wondering if you would like to go. With me.

I thought about it. No, I didn’t want to go to a party. There would be alcohol and drugs and I really didn’t feel good about that. But I didn’t really want to say no to him. So I had the courage to say something that I didn’t expect but the words were out of my moth before I could stop them.

-I was actually thinking about that invitation you made yesterday, and I would like to go to your house today after school- I rubbed  my bracelet on to my wrist.

He noticed it and held my hand. In the place under the bracelet the skin was cuted and bleeding a little bit. Honestly I was so used to deal with the pain that I didn’t even feel it. But he looked worried. He pressured his lips to my wrist ,brightly and needy and then kissed it.

-I´ll met you at 16:00 pm in front of your classroom-he said looking at me and smiling. Than the bell rang and he leaded me to my classroom. As I walked into the classroom I looked at him smiling at me with those perfect lips and those big green eyes and I asked myself how it was possible to be so nervous but so happy at the same time.

Surprisingly sweet stranger

  

                                         Chap.2-Surprisingly sweet stranger

I got from one class to another. Thankfully the break´s time was the right time for me to find the next classroom so I didn’t have to worry about people seeing me alone. I could just pretend I was busy and concentrated. Personally I licked being alone but other people seeing me alone ,with their judgy peaty eyes, the whisper´s and the smirks made me feel really uncomfortable and ashamed that I had to admit the reality : I did not have friends and I would always be that girl a little bit too weird a little bit too shy.

At lunch time I grabbed an apple and I went to the school garden to avoid having to sit alone on a table. The garden was almost deserted so I sat on the grass, took my  I pod and my notebook and started listening to music and drawing as I ate my apple. I was there four like 45 minutes completely focused on what I was doing when I noticed a shade that had been there for quite a while and that I had been simply to focused to detect before. Slowly I took my headphones and I looked back in the direction of the source of the shade.

-That´s amazing-he said.

I just locked at him. He had really dark hair and his skin was slightly tained, but what I noticed the most were his green eyes starring back at mine. Than I looked at his lips. They were totally symmetrical and  bright red. When the spell broke I realized I had been starring at him and that he had been watching me ,witch was creepier then anything else. I felt too exposed, no one had ever seen my drawings before. I quickly closed my notebook.

-You know it´s rude, not to say creepy that you´ve been observing me for the past half hour?-I said pressing the bracelet to my rist, in an angry voice, he was invading my privacy and espying on me.

-I wasn´t spying on you. I was simply watching your drawings-he said calmly, smiling softly.

-So you weren’t watching me, but you were watching what I was doing, that´s still spying- I was mad that he didn’t even try to deny what he was doing and that he was so upcoming about it.

-You´re right, I’m sorry- he said sincerely, locking a little bit embarrassed and smiling in a shy and kind of sweet way. I was happy that he recognized it- I´m Andrew, by the way-he said smiling more openly know. I smiled softly a little embarrassed that I got so mad at this surprisingly sweet stranger-Alice-I replied in a softer voice.

-And I meant what I said-he continued-they are truly amazing-he said pointing to my notebook-Do you think you could show them to me.?

I looked apprehensively at him. My drawings were a very privet part of my life and I wasn’t shure I was ready to share them. He probably got my apprehension cause he just asked:

-Can I sit with you then?

-Shure.

-So what are you listening?

I showed him the music on my ipod and we got to the conclusion that we had a very similar taste for music. We spend the rest of the lunch break talking about music and artists and other subjects that came up in the conversation. I laughed, cause he was funny and I felt good. It was easy to talk to him. We were alike and we got each other. In a long time I didn’t feel like Alice the ofernage weird girl with a druggy addicted mother. I just felt like Alice. When  the bell ringed he took me to the next class cause he knew where it was. It was a year older than me so he had to go. For some reason I was reluctant in letting him go.

-Do you want to meet after school? Come to my place, it will be fun.

-I have stuff to do- I lied. I didn’t really feel comfortable going to his house. And even worse for him to come to mine .-But I will see you tomorrow?

He looked at me and didn’t say anything.

-Right?-I insisted.

-Yes-he said smiling and gave me a kiss on the check. That was sweet. He was sweet.

I didn’t see him later that day. My step mother picked me up at exactly 16:00 pm. She made some comment that I seemed different. For some unexplained reason I felt different. When I got to bed I was still thinking about that surprisingly sweet stranger.

Alice,just Alice

 

Cap.1- Alice, just Alice

-Is that what you´re wearing on your big day?-She asked with her always questioning eyes- Four God´s sake girl, I will choose something for you to wear, just go get ready, Alice.

As I went into the bathroom and closed the door I leaned against it and Ibread heavily. I was nervous, scared.

Alice. Witch for a lot of people is a unique and strange name from a fairy tale for me is just the result of a mother a little bit too high, a little bit too irresponsible to take care of a child. A name is supposed to be a fundamental composer of a person´s personality. A piece of what they are. Well for me my name is just a constant reminder of the life I was restrained from. A baggage that I carry around with me, of which I can never be free from, like a heavy chain restraining me from opportunities that gives peaty in exchange.

When I was born my mother gave me the name Alice, because of my bright big blue eyes and blond hair witch reminded her of the girl in a book witch had always been her favorite. Crazy right? This is what they told me, I don’t believe in it. This story. The women in it sounds lovely and carrying, nothing like the women I met, that was too drugged to take care of her own child and had to give her away, abandoning her in a big world that wasn’t “exactly” wonderland for her. But one thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t make too many questions, actually I shouldn’t make them at all. I should just keep them to myself and learn to live with them running free and uncontrollably inside my head. Witch I did.

When I got out of the bathroom just with a towel wraped around my skinish,tiny body I looked to the outfit on the bed that my step mother had come up with for me to wear on my first day named my “big day” by her. A beautiful black backless dress was lying on the bed. I quickly put it on and combed my still wet, long blond hair and looked in the mirror. The girl starring back at me was a complete stranger. I looked right into her eyes and I could see the shades of her past. I quickly looked away and I was picking my favorite black baggy sweet shirt when my step mother came into the room.

-Alice, are you ready?!- she stopped talking while she walked into the room and stared at me- you look beautiful- she said with sincerity tacking the best of her voice, and I think, for a moment her eyes melted a little. I´m not shure because in the next moment her eyes got cold again- Oh you´re not wearing that awful old thing. Don’t even think that you will- She said referring to my old sweet shirt. The only thing that gave comfort in that outfit that exposed me too much to the world.

-But…-I mumbled.

-Not buts ,Alice- She cut me off- know we should go, or you´re going to be late.

Has she walked out off my room with the implied intention for me to follow her I looked peatefelly to my sweatshirt and I let it follow on the bed. I put on my black boots and grabbed my black little bag and ran to the car that waited me outside.

Has the car stopped in front of the school I looked down to the silver bracelet on my wrist ,the only thing I had that related me to my mother, the only thing that I had witch was her´s, the only physical thing that related me  to my old life. The only thing that belonged just to me, just like my thoughts.

-Your father wishes you luck-she told me in a soft voice, talking about the sensitive topic as I was getting the courage to get out of the car. I nodded.-You know he wanted to be here today right?-I nodded again even though it wasn’t true. My father had been has present in my life in the past few years has my mom. I didn’t blame him. I think he couldn’t be around me because I reminded him too much of my mom. So he started avoiding me  and when he wasn’t he always got upset. Like me. Not that I hated him but being together just got to hard for both of us after my mom…

-Alice, you have to go or you’re going to be late-she interrupted my thoughts .

-Ok, I guess I will see you later then?-my voice cracked. My hands were shaking and I pressed the silver bracelet to my rist with my other hand as I always did when I was nervous. I knew I was all alone after I left that car.

-Yes I will pick you up at 16:00 pm.-I opened the door as she talked but I didn’t turn my face to her-try to make friends-she stopped talking ,her voice was low and sad- you just have to try-she haded.

I got out of the car and I closed the door a little too hard due to my nerves. I hated the reference that she made to “my” old school that never felt like mine at all. She tried to avoid and ignore that part of my life as much as I did but I knew she couldn’t resist to bring it up today. It happens school hasn’t always been wonderland for me. At all. You were waiting for this reference weren’t you?

The new school was big and I was kind of lost. As I walked threw the hallways I wished I had my big comfy sweeter to hide me from the curious looks of the other students on the knew girl. I was already late when I arrived at my first class. I had been running threw the school for the past 5 minutes so when I finally got to the classroom I knocked on the door, I opened it and I asked in a shaken voice :-is this 10ºC?

I was waiting to get some kind of joke or an lecture coming from the teacher´s voice but instead of that I got a smile and a warm voice saying-Yes, it is- Everyone was starring at me and I hated that kind of attention ,or any attention if I’m being honest so that was a little reconferting.

As i was walking towards an empty sit as fast as I could he asked me- What´s your name ,girl?- I turned my head slightly on his direction and I responded:

-Alice-I said still panting.

-Alice what?-he said still not satisfied.

Other people had a second name but honestly I didn’t knew mine. I didn´t even knew if I ever had one. It wasn´t even something that I wanted to know, one more lost memory from my past .One more thing that I didn’t or wanted to remember. I was ready to sit down and mix with the crowd so I simply said:

-Alice ,just Alice.