Chap.13-. I was Alice. just Alice

Chap.13-. I was Alice. just Alice

I was staring out of my bedroom’s window. There was a paper bag full of Autumn lives . It was flying gently with a soft breeze’s impulse. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. There was so much beauty in the world. Everywhere I looked. And I felt as though no one else appreciated it, or understood it the way I did. 

 

 

  Everything was so fragile, so delicate, so essential.. so beautiful and I felt like I was unworthy of such strange beauty. The simple beauty of the outside world was breathtaking.

  My dad had just ended the quimio sessions, and although he was never going to be 100% in the clear, (because cancer doesn’t have a cure); he was good now. As good as he would ever be anyway. He was just happy to be alive and,  a bit like me, he was growing to appreciate the all consuming pleasure of the privileged to be alive. He finally quit his work and both he and my step mother decided to go and see the world, to travel to all the places they ever dreamed about, to enjoy and make the most of their lives. I could have gone with them… but I had other plans. I decided to stay because of my friends, because of school, but mostly because of the love of my life. And I know, I’m too young, too naive, too unrealistic to be saying that . But honestly that’s how I feel. He was the one I wanted to be with for the good, bad and ugly. He had seen me at my worst so I think that I owe him my best, and I intended on giving  him the best of me everyday for the rest of our lives.

I couldn’t shake the feeling as though a chapter of my life was closing. Witch meant a new one could open. I still had demons under my bed. Who doesn’t. I learned to live with them. I learned to look past them the moment I found someone who loved me regardlessly of them. A love so powerful, so strong that made me feel a child again, gave me everything I needed to be happy has I never was before. My life still wasn’t a fairy tale. I didn’t live in wonderland. No, that wasn’t for me. I was Alice. just Alice.

Chap.12-Life is completely and utterly unpredictable

Life is completely and utterly unpredictable

Life is completely and utterly unpredictable. Just when you think everything is going great it all turns around in a matter of seconds. In that moment you feel forced to face the cruel reality, you may find yourself asking pathetic questions like why? or why to me? Maybe even questioning everything that you took for granted until it happens, until it all turned around and tumbled at your feet. And it hurts. It’s painful. But just keep in mind that without this eye opener you would never fully appreciate what you have. And although the ride might be hard and you feel like you can’t hold on anymore, just remember that I’m right here, beside you, to help you up if you fall.

 So this post is dedicated to my best friend. I love you.

 

                                    ***

 

 

  It was already morning when Andrew drove me back home. I said goodbye with a kiss that took more than it probably should.

  -Not that I want you to, but shouldn’t you get going love?- Andrew asked me with a sweet smile.

  -Yes- I said pulling him closer again for one more kiss. I really didn’t want to go inside and face my dad. So I was just trying to stay near Andrew as long as I possibly could.

  After a few more minutes Andrew pulled his lips apart from mine again and looked at me with those beautiful, playfully judgy green eyes, so I finally gave him a last, quick kiss and rushed inside.

  It was all surprisingly quiet. Although I did not want to run into my dad I didn’t want not to  know where he was either. After going to the kitchen to make some coffee the silence installed in the house started to get loudly uncomfortable. I quickly ran upstairs to check if he was in his bedroom, sleeping. I peeked, standing near his bedroom door, but I still couldn’t find   him. I entered the room to see if he really wasn’t inside. He wasn’t. As I was turning back, to get out of the room, convinced he had gone out, as usual, I practically stepped him.

  -God! You scared me! Jesus!

  He didn’t say anything, giving me the sufficient time to allow me to better examine his face. He looked tired, exhausted. He had that sour smell that I had been smelling in the house, since he had come back. But only know I had associated it with a particular, distinctive smell.

  -Dad…-I looked at him with an unexpressive face- have you been throwing up?

  He nodded. He had such a desperate face.

  -Baby..-he told me- I know you are strong, but there are some fights that not even you can fight against. He went to reach my harm and I quickly pulled back.

  -What? What’s going on?- I asked confused.

  This was bad. My dad was so strong, he always knew what to do, even if it wasn’t the right thing. We had our differences and I pretended I hated him, but I didn’t. I loved by father. The expression on my face became desperate , lost.

  -What?

  I was practically screaming.

  He said the words slowly, like something that is ugly to be said out loud. Has if by saying it, it would become more true then it was, that it would be worst. Like admitting something that made him give up to what he had been fighting against. But has he said, there are some enemies that we can’t fight against. And even if we do, there are some we just can’t win.

  -I have cancer.

  The light was gone from my face. My face totally unexpressive by the shock. The words echoing in my head.

I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then

 

 

 

 

   Chap.11- I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then

 

I was there again. With her. Alone. The memory rolled again and again in my mind. So real. So vivid. My mom was screaming. I could sense the pain in her voice. She was so loud, so desperate so out of it. Then she fell on the ground, and calmed down. When her face was at my level I got close to her and just leaned against her know still body. Her eyes looked so tired and so numb, like she couldn’t feel a thing, and still a tear was slowly sliding down her cheek  as she looked at me in a moment of weakness, she was tired. I remember leaning forward and kissing her wet cheek, as my hand softly touched her belly. Than it all turns to a blur.

                                                                                 ..

I woke up in a sweaty panic. I was breeding heavily and has I reached out to grab my pillow I realized that wasn’t my bed. Yes, I remember know, after I hugged my dad I didn’t want to be alone and I ended up falling asleep in his bed. He was just staring back at me in the dark. I knew this because I could see the white of his eyes, wide open, staring back at me.

-I have them too, the nightmares..-he started.

-You weren’t there. I was. –I replied.

After coming to my senses I wasn’t sure this had been such a good idea. I quickly pulled back the sheets and got out of bed. I needed to get out of there. As I grabbed my mobile phone and ran down the stars I heard my father asking me in the distance:

-Ally!-he called- Ally where are you going ?

I was already out the door. I picked my phone and dialed one, to the only person I knew that I would want to be with. Always.

-Hey can you come pick me up? Quick? I need to get some air..

In five minutes Andrew was in front of my house with his motorcycle. He had come so fast. I got on that thing has fast as I could and I just told him –let’s go-has I grabbed on to his body covered in a big black leader jacket. And we did.

It was breaking dawn and we were at the beach, just sitting there. I was feeling the cold winter wind on my hair with his leader jacked warming my skinny body, barely covered by my confi ,but not really warm sweatshirt ,  looking at the sea with my head on his shoulder just thinking about everything and anything.

-I love you.-I suddenly said. For an outsider it might seem like it came out of nowhere. But we knew.-a lot.-I looked at this beautiful boy, my boy, so strong but his eyes looked at me in warm,  gentle and unique way he always looked at me.

-I love you too All-he told me, turning his face away and looking at the sea- so much it hurts me to think about ever loosing you.- when he looked back at me he had fear in his eyes.

I hided my face on his neck and I slowly pressured my lips against it, kissing it.

-You won’t lose me. Ever. – He was too important. If only he knew how much..-then a question that was desperate for somebody’s attention ran out of my lips without permission-do you think.. I am a different person? Since you met me? Have I changed?

-No All, you didn’t change. You are still the same girl. We can’t change. Any of us. For as long and as hard as we try, because we all have our pasts to hold on to. But we can evolve. You did.

-But I feel like a different person. I want to go back, to the past and change so much that I have done, because I feel like I would do things differently, doesn’t that mean I’m a different person?

-If you really were a different person, than you couldn’t go back to the past, because you can only control what you did, not what someone else did. As such you only have control over your past, not of the one that belongs to the person you were.

And I was. That’s why I couldn’t go back. That’s why no one could. But that didn’t mean I could stop wishing otherwise. Then I just shutted it all out, as I always did when the thoughts on my mind got to loud and too uncontrollable. And for just a second I allowed myself to live in the moment, until only us, lost in each others lips on that beach existed.

Chap.10-I miss them too

Chap.10-I miss them too

 I woke up really early that morning, it was chilly outside and my bed was so confy and warm that I decided to get some thinking done while I stared at the sealing and listened to the rain typing softly on my window.

 Once again things were looking up, I could get used to it. This warm feeling in my belly that made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I was still the same girl, I still had my past to hold on to, but I had evolved. I had friends and a wonderful boyfriend that meant the world to me.

 But you know that little thing in the deep corners of your mind that never leaves you alone? The one that is demanding your attention to remind you that you steal have things to be solved? I still had that one. I thought about my father. Was he sharing this sudden and urgent need to tell and unbury what we had buried for so long?

 I got out of bed abot thirty minutes after my decision not to, my over thinking had already left me unsettled for the day. I quickly dressed my white fuzzy wool sweater and I walked down the stairs to get a glass of milk. As I was leaving the kitchen with the warm glass of milk in my hands I stopped right in front of my father and I looked right into those familiar and yet unknown eyes. I got out of his way and as I was leaving I realized I needed to talk about It.

-Dad- I called in a low and uncertain voice.

-Yes Ally?-he had a sleepy yet soft voice.

-Shouldn’t we.. hum.. talk about.. it?-I mumbled.

-Talk about what?

As if he didn’t know.

-It-my voice was plain this time.

-There´s nothing to talk about-the only thing that I could hear in his voice was exhaustion.

As I was leaving he added, like calling me:

-I have been thinking a lot about It-him too, recently.

I looked into his eyes. During all this time I had only seen my pain, when the reality was that there was so much beyond it. I might had lost a brother but he had lost a son. And there it was again, our little secret, the one that I had been trying to run away from during so much time, harming my self because of it in so many ways, simply to escape the reality, my reality. Because, when my mother died, I didn’t loose just her, no. She was pregnant. I lost the two most important people in my life and there would never be anything I could do to change it, to bring them back. In the clinic where I was after I overdosed they suspected that I was harming myself with drugs and alcohol to, unconsciously, try to commit suicide, because I knew, deep down, that was the only way I was ever going to see the again. They were wrong. It was conscious.

-I miss them- I said while a tear streamed down my face.

My dad just hugged me and kissed my forehead while he said:

-I miss them too Ally, so much, too much- as he hugged me tighter.

Chap.9-I´ve always been yours

 

 

                                Chap.9-I´ve always been yours

   

  It was new year. I couldn´t believe it. One year had passed ,and I had changed so much, but was still very much the same girl as I was a year ago.

  I was excited. Not because of being new year or the vision of a “fresh start” ,it was too late for that. It was too late to try to scape from the ghosts of my past, I knew that. But it wasn’t late for one thing: to go meet Andrew. Just his name made a dumb smile appear on my lips.  He had invited me to go watch the fireworks with him tonight, at the beach and I couldn´t nor I wanted to say no. I was really excited to see him, I had really missed him and I hadn’t been with him nearly enough since my dad got back.

  When I got to the beach where I was supposed to meet him it was really dark and crowded and I started to panic a little bit. I couldn’t see anything and the loud noise and drunk people made me quite uncomfortable. I started backing out as fast as I could, not watching where I was going and hyperventilating in the middle of the crowd, and just when I felt like I was going to pass out I felt strong and familiar harms grabbing me and pulling me closer -Andrew.

  We walked for a few minutes, until a place in the beach that was almost totally desert. He carefully sat me on the sand and he sat beside me, and protectively put his harm around my skinny body while I rested my head on his shoulder.

-Hi-he said in a soft voice.

-Hi-I responded, and, somehow, this word showed him that I was smiling. I was so happy to be there, in his harms. It was like I belonged there, and all my life had been leading me to that very moment.

  -You know, life  at home hasn’t exactly been good for me this past few days, I always have this feeling like..

  He waited for me to continue. Because I didn´t he instigated:

 - Like?..

-  Like I need to be somewhere else. Like I don’t belong. And this is a feeling that I had my entire life. That I don’t feet in and no matter what I do or how hard I try I never will..

  -All..-he started.

  -No, let me finish-he nodded so I continued-but somehow this ,being here ,with you, it feels…right ,and I feel like,  here is where I always wanted to be-I smiled and turned my face to him. He looked as beautiful as he always did, his hair was a hot mess and his green eyes where staring back at me with that same glow they always had when he was with me. He pressured his lips to my forehead and something in that gesture showed me that he.. loved me?

   In the background, outside from our world we heard people starting to make the count down.

   -60,59,58…

  -You know-he told me, resting his forehead in mine- I just realized that you´re not officially my girl.

   -55,54…

   What?

  -52…

  -I mean, I know we know each other for very little time, and I know how ridiculous I probably look right know-oh he had no idea, I tried not to laugh-but when you really..-is he going to say it?-..love someone-he did!- you don’t need time, you just know. Maybe that’s part of the reason why it never felt like I was getting to know you, it always felt like I was  remembering you, your smile, your voice, your touch, your kiss.. and you make me fall in love with you with every second that goes by, I  couldn’t possibly imagine life without you , ´cause looking back, until I knew you, it just felt like I was half alive, and you completed it, me-the words where flowing out of his mouth and softly touching my heart, like a secret touch between lovers. A tear streamed down my face- what I’m trying to say is: I love you- he gently whipped the tear out off my face-and I want you to be mine.

   -5,4,3,2…

   I didn’t know what to say so I kissed him and I slowly melted like honey in his mouth, when we got out of breath and I moved my lips apart from his, I was still gasping for air while I leaned forward till my lips softly touched his hear and I whispered-I´m yours.

   -1

   I´ve always been yours.  

Chap.8- The cherry tree

 

 

                          Chap.8- The cherry tree

  When I got home I felt really tired and my head felt like a piece of shapeless cotton ball. I only had one thing on my mind- my bed.

  I tried to make as little noise as I possibly could as I ran up the stairs, so my father wouldn’t listen to me, and wouldn’t make me answer a list of questions that I bet were running threw his mind. Didn’t he think it was a little bit to late to take the “I’m an involved father in my daughter´s life” train?  

  When I closed my bedroom door and threw my school bag to the other side of the room, I already had a victory smile on my face right after I noticed my father ,standing there in one side of the room, looking out of the window. My smile faded.

 -It´s still there-he said not letting any emotion passing through his town of voice, while he stared out of the window, to the cherry tree covered in snow, that my mom had planted for.. No. I´m not going there. Some things are better unburied.

-It is- I said in the same town of voice as my father.

-How could that small ,fragile tree survive and become so big and so strong?-he asked, more to himself that to me- even after what happened, after the pain and the guilt have consumed us , after our lives have been thrown apart and we find ourselves in a cross row without knowing what to do, or how to do it, how does it stand there, so strong , so bold, showing us that it can be done , that we are nothing but week , because you could do it and I couldn’t and I still cant and sometimes and im has lost as the little girl I held in my harms and whipped the tears of her face, the one to who I promised I would never leave her side, but I did-he was barely holding the tears at the moment-I did..

I didn’t knew what to say, why was he telling me all this know? I turned off the brave and careless part of me because I was tired to be strong and independent. So I did the one thing that I wanted but didn’t do in 11 years.

I hugged my dad.

Sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most

 

           Chap.7- Sometimes the people closest to you can  be the one´s holding you back the most

-And how are things going with your dad? I heard his back in town..

 I was feeling like something a cat had puked. Since my last fight with my dad 2 nights ago I barely had slept and he was seriously messing with my nervous system. I just wanted to be home, or any place at all in the world that wasn’t the office of my guidance counselor-Brocke.

-They´re great-I said with an unexpressive face.

 Why would I open up to a complete stranger? Bigger question than that : how did she think I would? People say it´s easier to talk to a stranger, liars. So I was just supposed to share my personal and deeply messed up life with a women that I barely even knew so that she could tell me how to live it? Yes that makes complete sense. Anyways I was too tired for that. I just wanted to get that over that so I could proceed with my day.

-Ok, great-she said with a smile on her face. Phony- So I will show you some pictures and I will make you some question ok?

No.

-Yes, shure -that wasn’t weird- do you do this to like every student that comes in here?

-No-she answered sincerely.

So.. why to me? I should have asked. Yet again I was tired and out of it.

-Ok-I finally said.

She showed me a picture of a family-of course -.- .

-It´s a family. The sun is shining and their smiling. It´s a happy picture-I said still with an unexpressive face.

-So how does that make you feel?

-Happy-I said smiling. When I saw the look on Broocke´s face I realized my smile must have looked pretty fake. Well happy families weren’t exactly what I wanting to see.

-You know this wont work unless your honest with me- Brocke said with a serious look on her face.

I put on the most offended expression I could given the conditions-I don’t know what you´re talking about. I am as honest and open as a person can be-lie.

-You know it´s important to have a good support system. People you can really talk to. Have anyone you can talk to. Friends?

-Yes. They´re great. Totally supportive-another lie, they didn’t even knew. How many are we in? 4?

-Great, but still be cachous.

-Why?-I asked rhetorically- because sometimes the people closest to you can be the one´s holding you back the most?

-In did. Where did you learn that?

-I don’t know-But I did. My mom used to tell me that all the time.

And it was true. But at the time she didn’t knew just how true she was.

Our little secret

 

                                Chap.6- Our little secret

I woke up really happy this morning. It was thanks giving and, in quite a while ,I had something to be thankful for. I looked outside my window. It was snowing. I decided to take a quick shower before I met Hanna and Erika at the park.

When I got back home and I opened the front door it was already lunch time and it smelled so good it made my mouth water. Then i saw suitcases in the hall. As usually, there were 3, all of different sizes. My face got stone cold while I walked down the hall on the direction of the noise until  I was in the living room.

-Father-he was sitting on the sofa talking to my step mother and when he heard my voice they both stop talking. I looked right at his eyes. With all that had been going on I had totally forgot my father was coming. It had been almost a year since I had last seen him. He was wearing a black suit and his dark brown hair was carefully combed. I could see some wrinkles near his eyes that weren’t there last time i saw him, and the first white hairs were starting to appear on the top of his head.

-Ally-he walked right at me and hugged me softly- I missed you, girl.

I’m sure he did. That’s why he never called me, or said anything at all, all year. But I wouldn’t say that. I didn’t hug him back or return his “I miss you”. Instead i just stood there until my body was released from that unrecognizable shelter that didn’t feel mine at all. Once he released me he carefully observed my face.

-You look more like your mother every time I see you-he said with a shaken voice.

I didn’t knew what to say so I nodded while rubbing my bracelet on my wrist. He grabbed my wrist and put his hands around it. He was the only one that would dare to reprehend my strange habit, what he had been doing since I was little. He didn’t even need words. I quickly pulled my hand towards my body and wrapped my harms around my body.

-I´m glad you re home-I said not knowing if I was totally lying.

-Lets eat!-my step mother said with excitement.

Has we sat and started eating everyone was silent and the mood wasn’t exactly light or happy.

-So how is school Ally?-my father asked in a pathetic attempt to lift my mood up and to get involved in my life like a concerned father.

-Yes, it´s alright-I answered while I played around with my food.

-Helen told me you’ve been skipping the sections with you’re guidance counselor- good my step mother and my dad already got to talking. I looked at her with a spark of disappointment in my eyes-you know you’ve to go. It´s part of the treatment plain and if…

-I´m not really hungry- I said cutting him of, truth is, I had lost my appetite- i’m just going to go to my room.

Ok so maybe I was being childish and totally immature, but I didn’t want to participate in some stupid charade of a “happy family” while my father pointed the error of my ways, to show of that I wasn’t Kevin´s daughter perfect yet.

-No, Ally, you have to eat. Sit down.-my father ordered calmly but there was imposition in his voice.

I laughed.

-What´s so funny, Alice?-my father asked, not amused at all.

-You appear here, after a year, or should I say 11? of mia and know you want to tell me what to do? What makes you think you have that right? Don’t you think is a little bit late for the “perfect dad of the year roll”? I may have forgiven a lot of things but I haven’t forgotten them. Stop treating me like a child and stop acting like my father. Because in all the moments that I needed you, you weren’t there for me and just because you’re staying doesn’t mean you’re welcome.

Maybe it was a little bit early or impulsive to start arguing but I had so much anger towards  him that I just couldn’t contained myself. All of that was true. And, if the truth hurted him that was just a taste of what he had left me with, when he decided to drown himself in work and go live to the other side of the country foe business purposes. I walked into my room and closed the door. As I sat on the floor a tear ran down my face.

-Don’t cry, don’t cry-I said to myself.

This is what I mean when I say we can’t handle being around each other. As much time passes there is always something unsaid, pained on the deep of our hearts. That pain was the result of our little secret. The secret we had kept to ourselves all these years. A constant knife on our throats fighting to keep us from breathing, sucking us into a black hole where nothing but darkness remained. Our little secret.

Is this love?

 

Chap.5-Is this love?

-So can you explain this whole situation to me one more time?- I asked trying to keep calm and process what she was telling me.

-What aren´t you getting about “you were invited to a p-a-r-t-y”-Hana told me, still very excited but starting to get a little impatient-well you’re going to, technically.

-Jessica invited Andrew to Toby´s party and he said he was going to invite you-Erika continued, probably after tacking the phone out of Hanna´s hand-and we´re going too, obviously.

-How are you so shure he´s really going to invite me?-I asked rubbing my bracelet on  my wrist-I mean this has passed threw a lot of people´s mouths, how do you even know it´s true?

-Why wouldn´t it be?-it was Hanna again-we saw the way he looked at you in the cafeteria, and while I don’t think he´s good company for you it’s obvious that you like him, and he´s, in did, really hot.

-Has I said…-I heard Erika saying on the other side of the line, and I could hear the smile on her voice.

-So would you come? Please? It will be fun. I will even let you borrow my close and give you a ride home.

She could probably sense my uncertainty cause she heeded a “pleaaase” and I finally said yes.

Three hours later we were at the party. I looked down at the white lace dress that I had borrowed from Hana. It had a white corsage, that made my boobs look way bigger. I felt nervous and a little uncomfortable.

-Shake it off-Erika told me while I rubbed my silver bracelet on my wrist with my free hand-you look beautiful, I mean it!

-She´s right-Hana confirmed-I wish I had bigger boobs…-she said looking at mine with puppy dog eyes pouting.

We looked at each other and started laughing.

Then I saw him. Andrew. He looked hot. He was wearing ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. His air was a hot mess and his green eyes burned my skin while he slowly looked at me. He walked to me slowly and confidently while I rubbed my bracelet on to my wrist.

-You look stunning-he said when he finally got beside me and handed me a drink.

-I don’t drink-I said fast and nervously while my hands shaked and I dropped my drink on the floor.

Andrew was looking at me confused. I shacked my head and tried to get out of the room but he grabbed my hand. I looked right at his eyes and they screamed “please!” ,so I took his hand and guided him to Toby´s yard from where I had came him.

We sat on the grass and I breathe deeply.

-After my mother left me, I was in a dark place. I was in a rebellion state and my father didn´t really care that much-despite what my stepmother says, I don’t believe he ever really cared about me-my mom had some bad habits, so I grew up in that environment and alcohol and drugs weren’t that big of a deal for me. I started getting myself into some things that I shouldn’t have to, and it all happened so fast. I was too deep to get out in a few short months and I ended up overdosed in the hospital-I was shacking so hard that I thought that I might be having a panic attack- I almost cant remember a thing of what happened that year or before that. Since then i’ve been keeping away from alcohol and i’m scared that it can get out of control again.

Andrew hugged me, hard-it´s ok-he whispered-I’m here know, I’m here.

I don’t know how much time passed while we were just there, hugged on the grass, speechless just lost on each others heartbeats.

-I had never told this story to anyone before-I finally said-i´m pretty messed up, I know.

-Well I’m glad you told me-he said sincerely-and you´re really brave. Let me take you home.

-Um,I actually came with…

-Don’t worry, I will let them know I took you ok?

I was sleepy and tired so I let him go. A few minutes later he took me home on his motorcycle and I asked him if he could stay there with me. I fell asleep with a dumb smile on my face. He just lied there beside me, combing my hair with his fingers until I feel asleep unknowing the deep meaning that had for me. In the morning I found out that he had slept on the couch. That made me laugh. He made me laugh. When I was tacking a shower, after he left I was still smiling, I had someone that I trusted, that, for once in my life, made me feel beautiful, and sexy and special. A question that had been running threw my mind since last night got away from my lips before I could stop it, while I looked at my face in the mirror:

-Is this love?

The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn

 

Chap.4-The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn

-Make you’re self at home-he said while he leaned his head to the couch’s direction-sit I will get us some drinks. What do you drink?

-Humm, the same as you, I guess-I responded in a soft voice while I sat on the couch.

-I´ll be right back then-he said while he went to the kitchen.

I looked down to my short leader skirt tight to my legs and I felt even more nervous while I pressed my silver bracelet against my wrist. I was trying to look has confident has I possibly could but the truth is I was terrified. When he walked into the room I was looking down to my bracelet and rubbing it frenetically to my wrist.

-Hey, what´s wrong?-he asked while he placed the drinks on the little table in front of the couch and he kneeled to the ground right in front of me while he put his hand on my chin and lifted my head towards his and our lips where only inches away from each others.

-Nothing-I said with a fake ,nervous smile while I looked right to his green eyes that stared right back at me reflecting all the nervousness and desire in mine. I think he was has nervous has I was. My smile got totally sincere reflecting how happy I was that he was right there with me.

-I know you don’t believe it, but-he bred heavily, and the words came slowly and I felt like he poor his heart out in every single one-you´re truly beautiful. If only you could see what I see .How can your eyes show so much pain but still glow every time you see me? Even when I can see the shades of your past hunting you, how can you still respond to my touch?-he touched my lips with his hand and I closed my eyes-to my voice, to my soul every time i’m around? I know I don’t know you, but I feel like I do and I want you to share your memories with me, those memories that hunt you and never let you be free. I want you to share that pain with me so it would be easier for you to handle them. I want you to be free and see what I see.

I still had my eyes closed and I felt his hand on my lips and on my neck and it felt like it had a special mining behind those touches. Then I opened my eyes and responded with them to his words while I said slowly-my memories are just mine, they are my pain, they are my suffering you cant share my pain but you can ease it. And you do. When you´re around I feel safe and I feel happy.

Then I did something I never thought I would do. I kissed him, for the first time. I had never kissed someone. Don’t get me wrong, I had been kissed before but i never had kissed someone. I put all my rage, my anger my dispere, my happiness and all my desire in that one kiss. In that flame that at last consumed us. The thoughts broke and everything that was rational got lost and burned up by the flame. It slowly burned lower and when it ended the phrase “the bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn” floated inside my mind. We´d past the point of no return.

The ice of our lemon ice teas had melted but we grabbed them and we lied on the couch drinking them and watching some stupid movie. I ended up falling asleep with my head on his shoulder while he combed my long blond hair slowly and softly. It was a good feeling. I had never let anyone touch my hair before cause it was a very personal thing for me. One of my many stupid restrictions and I felt like he was breaking them all. The stupid thing is that I loved him breaking rules he didn’t knew existed or that had that much meaning for me. He simply did, and even without my rules and restrictions, lying there beside him, I had never felt has safe or has at home before. I felt like, after a long time I had finally found myself. Again.

So nervous but so happy

Chap.3-  So nervous but so happy

I woke up sweaty and screaming. My dreams are always the same. I´ve come to the conclusion that they are memories that came to me in the form of flashbacks. Anyway they are never pleasant. I always wake up panicking and I repeat to my self “it is not true it was just a dream”. Even though I know that is not true I discovered is easier to live in a lye than face the true if the true is too disturbing for you to live with it. In that dream i´m 6 and i´m home and my mom is overdosed in the floor and i´m crying and I feel alone and desperate and I don’t know what to do.  It wasn’t the last time but is one of the most frequent nightmares I get.

I got up. I was dressing a baggy sweeter and some wool socks that ended above my knew. I went to the kitchen grabbed  a glass of water and I went to the garden. I lied on the grass as I did so often and looked at the stars. It was cold and the grass was a little bit wet but I really licked that feeling. When I closed my eyes I instantly fell asleep and I had a slept calmly till morning.

I woke up with the voice of my step mother-How many times have I said the same thing Alice? Look at you .-I did. I was full of mode. I didn’t realize what was the problem. If I didn’t care about why did she?- Doesn’t mather know go get ready. Know! –So I did.

In school the time flew from one class to another until lunch break. As I did the day before I went to the cafeteria to grab my apple.

-In that all you´re eating?-A girl asked me.

In contrary to me she was a brunet and she was really curvy. She was really pretty and had a big smile on her face. I didnt respond cause I didn’t knew what to say.

-Oh come sit with me- she said while she laughed a little of my shyness.

When we sat on a table she said:-I´m Hanna.

-Alice-I said in a low voice.

She opened a bag of ships and started eating them.

-Want one?-I toock one and she smiled happily at me-So, you must be the knew girl. Where are you from?

-Harvon, actually.

-Oh girl doesn´t surprise me that you left that school is such a spas.-Another girl with short blond hair and big brown eyes came and sat on our table-hey Hanna-she said.

-OMG I just had biology I didn’t get a thing .I was not made for this.

-I´m actually quite good at biology, I could help you if you like.-I offered.

-Oh hey you must be the knew girl-she turned at me and she also had a happy smile on her face- That would be so cool- I´m Erika.

-Alice, yes no problem.

We talked during lunch and I actually had fun. They were very happy and easily excited witch made  my mood light up quite a bit. When Andrew came in and looked right at me I heard Hanna say:

-Oh, I cant believe what my eyes see. Andrew is not good company.

-Oh, we just talked once. His not interested-I said hoping I was wrong.

-Oh he looks very interested to me-Erika said-And he´s not that bad Hanna, he´s actually cute. Go say something don’t just let him hang there. Poor guy-she pushed me away softly.

I  walked at him and when I got close to him he was smiling.

-Walk with me?-I asked a little afraid he wouldn’t follow me. But he did so I went to the garden.

-I looked for you but I didn’t knew where you were-he said has he sat on the grass. I sat close to him, outside was really cold and i had forgotten my jacket.

-Did you want to say something or did you just wanted my company?-I asked a little bit nervous about his answer.

-Both, I guess-he said and he looked right to my eyes, and then he looked away- there is going to be a party and I was wondering if you would like to go. With me.

I thought about it. No, I didn’t want to go to a party. There would be alcohol and drugs and I really didn’t feel good about that. But I didn’t really want to say no to him. So I had the courage to say something that I didn’t expect but the words were out of my moth before I could stop them.

-I was actually thinking about that invitation you made yesterday, and I would like to go to your house today after school- I rubbed  my bracelet on to my wrist.

He noticed it and held my hand. In the place under the bracelet the skin was cuted and bleeding a little bit. Honestly I was so used to deal with the pain that I didn’t even feel it. But he looked worried. He pressured his lips to my wrist ,brightly and needy and then kissed it.

-I´ll met you at 16:00 pm in front of your classroom-he said looking at me and smiling. Than the bell rang and he leaded me to my classroom. As I walked into the classroom I looked at him smiling at me with those perfect lips and those big green eyes and I asked myself how it was possible to be so nervous but so happy at the same time.