Chap.10-I miss them too
I woke up really early that morning, it was chilly outside and my bed was so confy and warm that I decided to get some thinking done while I stared at the sealing and listened to the rain typing softly on my window.
Once again things were looking up, I could get used to it. This warm feeling in my belly that made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I was still the same girl, I still had my past to hold on to, but I had evolved. I had friends and a wonderful boyfriend that meant the world to me.
But you know that little thing in the deep corners of your mind that never leaves you alone? The one that is demanding your attention to remind you that you steal have things to be solved? I still had that one. I thought about my father. Was he sharing this sudden and urgent need to tell and unbury what we had buried for so long?
I got out of bed abot thirty minutes after my decision not to, my over thinking had already left me unsettled for the day. I quickly dressed my white fuzzy wool sweater and I walked down the stairs to get a glass of milk. As I was leaving the kitchen with the warm glass of milk in my hands I stopped right in front of my father and I looked right into those familiar and yet unknown eyes. I got out of his way and as I was leaving I realized I needed to talk about It.
-Dad- I called in a low and uncertain voice.
-Yes Ally?-he had a sleepy yet soft voice.
-Shouldn’t we.. hum.. talk about.. it?-I mumbled.
-Talk about what?
As if he didn’t know.
-It-my voice was plain this time.
-There´s nothing to talk about-the only thing that I could hear in his voice was exhaustion.
As I was leaving he added, like calling me:
-I have been thinking a lot about It-him too, recently.
I looked into his eyes. During all this time I had only seen my pain, when the reality was that there was so much beyond it. I might had lost a brother but he had lost a son. And there it was again, our little secret, the one that I had been trying to run away from during so much time, harming my self because of it in so many ways, simply to escape the reality, my reality. Because, when my mother died, I didn’t loose just her, no. She was pregnant. I lost the two most important people in my life and there would never be anything I could do to change it, to bring them back. In the clinic where I was after I overdosed they suspected that I was harming myself with drugs and alcohol to, unconsciously, try to commit suicide, because I knew, deep down, that was the only way I was ever going to see the again. They were wrong. It was conscious.
-I miss them- I said while a tear streamed down my face.
My dad just hugged me and kissed my forehead while he said:
-I miss them too Ally, so much, too much- as he hugged me tighter.