Chap.11- I can't go back to yesterday because i was a different person then
I was there again. With her. Alone. The memory rolled again and again in my mind. So real. So vivid. My mom was screaming. I could sense the pain in her voice. She was so loud, so desperate so out of it. Then she fell on the ground, and calmed down. When her face was at my level I got close to her and just leaned against her know still body. Her eyes looked so tired and so numb, like she couldn’t feel a thing, and still a tear was slowly sliding down her cheek as she looked at me in a moment of weakness, she was tired. I remember leaning forward and kissing her wet cheek, as my hand softly touched her belly. Than it all turns to a blur.
I woke up in a sweaty panic. I was breeding heavily and has I reached out to grab my pillow I realized that wasn’t my bed. Yes, I remember know, after I hugged my dad I didn’t want to be alone and I ended up falling asleep in his bed. He was just staring back at me in the dark. I knew this because I could see the white of his eyes, wide open, staring back at me.
-I have them too, the nightmares..-he started.
-You weren’t there. I was. –I replied.
After coming to my senses I wasn’t sure this had been such a good idea. I quickly pulled back the sheets and got out of bed. I needed to get out of there. As I grabbed my mobile phone and ran down the stars I heard my father asking me in the distance:
-Ally!-he called- Ally where are you going ?
I was already out the door. I picked my phone and dialed one, to the only person I knew that I would want to be with. Always.
-Hey can you come pick me up? Quick? I need to get some air..
In five minutes Andrew was in front of my house with his motorcycle. He had come so fast. I got on that thing has fast as I could and I just told him –let’s go-has I grabbed on to his body covered in a big black leader jacket. And we did.
It was breaking dawn and we were at the beach, just sitting there. I was feeling the cold winter wind on my hair with his leader jacked warming my skinny body, barely covered by my confi ,but not really warm sweatshirt , looking at the sea with my head on his shoulder just thinking about everything and anything.
-I love you.-I suddenly said. For an outsider it might seem like it came out of nowhere. But we knew.-a lot.-I looked at this beautiful boy, my boy, so strong but his eyes looked at me in warm, gentle and unique way he always looked at me.
-I love you too All-he told me, turning his face away and looking at the sea- so much it hurts me to think about ever loosing you.- when he looked back at me he had fear in his eyes.
I hided my face on his neck and I slowly pressured my lips against it, kissing it.
-You won’t lose me. Ever. – He was too important. If only he knew how much..-then a question that was desperate for somebody’s attention ran out of my lips without permission-do you think.. I am a different person? Since you met me? Have I changed?
-No All, you didn’t change. You are still the same girl. We can’t change. Any of us. For as long and as hard as we try, because we all have our pasts to hold on to. But we can evolve. You did.
-But I feel like a different person. I want to go back, to the past and change so much that I have done, because I feel like I would do things differently, doesn’t that mean I’m a different person?
-If you really were a different person, than you couldn’t go back to the past, because you can only control what you did, not what someone else did. As such you only have control over your past, not of the one that belongs to the person you were.And I was. That’s why I couldn’t go back. That’s why no one could. But that didn’t mean I could stop wishing otherwise. Then I just shutted it all out, as I always did when the thoughts on my mind got to loud and too uncontrollable. And for just a second I allowed myself to live in the moment, until only us, lost in each others lips on that beach existed.