Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Alice,just Alice


Cap.1- Alice, just Alice

-Is that what you´re wearing on your big day?-She asked with her always questioning eyes- Four God´s sake girl, I will choose something for you to wear, just go get ready, Alice.
As I went into the bathroom and closed the door I leaned against it and Ibread heavily. I was nervous, scared.
Alice. Witch for a lot of people is a unique and strange name from a fairy tale for me is just the result of a mother a little bit too high, a little bit too irresponsible to take care of a child. A name is supposed to be a fundamental composer of a person´s personality. A piece of what they are. Well for me my name is just a constant reminder of the life I was restrained from. A baggage that I carry around with me, of which I can never be free from, like a heavy chain restraining me from opportunities that gives peaty in exchange.
When I was born my mother gave me the name Alice, because of my bright big blue eyes and blond hair witch reminded her of the girl in a book witch had always been her favorite. Crazy right? This is what they told me, I don’t believe in it. This story. The women in it sounds lovely and carrying, nothing like the women I met, that was too drugged to take care of her own child and had to give her away, abandoning her in a big world that wasn’t “exactly” wonderland for her. But one thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t make too many questions, actually I shouldn’t make them at all. I should just keep them to myself and learn to live with them running free and uncontrollably inside my head. Witch I did.
When I got out of the bathroom just with a towel wraped around my skinish,tiny body I looked to the outfit on the bed that my step mother had come up with for me to wear on my first day named my “big day” by her. A beautiful black backless dress was lying on the bed. I quickly put it on and combed my still wet, long blond hair and looked in the mirror. The girl starring back at me was a complete stranger. I looked right into her eyes and I could see the shades of her past. I quickly looked away and I was picking my favorite black baggy sweet shirt when my step mother came into the room.
-Alice, are you ready?!- she stopped talking while she walked into the room and stared at me- you look beautiful- she said with sincerity tacking the best of her voice, and I think, for a moment her eyes melted a little. I´m not shure because in the next moment her eyes got cold again- Oh you´re not wearing that awful old thing. Don’t even think that you will- She said referring to my old sweet shirt. The only thing that gave comfort in that outfit that exposed me too much to the world.
-But…-I mumbled.
-Not buts ,Alice- She cut me off- know we should go, or you´re going to be late.
Has she walked out off my room with the implied intention for me to follow her I looked peatefelly to my sweatshirt and I let it follow on the bed. I put on my black boots and grabbed my black little bag and ran to the car that waited me outside.
Has the car stopped in front of the school I looked down to the silver bracelet on my wrist ,the only thing I had that related me to my mother, the only thing that I had witch was her´s, the only physical thing that related me  to my old life. The only thing that belonged just to me, just like my thoughts.
-Your father wishes you luck-she told me in a soft voice, talking about the sensitive topic as I was getting the courage to get out of the car. I nodded.-You know he wanted to be here today right?-I nodded again even though it wasn’t true. My father had been has present in my life in the past few years has my mom. I didn’t blame him. I think he couldn’t be around me because I reminded him too much of my mom. So he started avoiding me  and when he wasn’t he always got upset. Like me. Not that I hated him but being together just got to hard for both of us after my mom…
-Alice, you have to go or you’re going to be late-she interrupted my thoughts .
-Ok, I guess I will see you later then?-my voice cracked. My hands were shaking and I pressed the silver bracelet to my rist with my other hand as I always did when I was nervous. I knew I was all alone after I left that car.
-Yes I will pick you up at 16:00 pm.-I opened the door as she talked but I didn’t turn my face to her-try to make friends-she stopped talking ,her voice was low and sad- you just have to try-she haded.
I got out of the car and I closed the door a little too hard due to my nerves. I hated the reference that she made to “my” old school that never felt like mine at all. She tried to avoid and ignore that part of my life as much as I did but I knew she couldn’t resist to bring it up today. It happens school hasn’t always been wonderland for me. At all. You were waiting for this reference weren’t you?
The new school was big and I was kind of lost. As I walked threw the hallways I wished I had my big comfy sweeter to hide me from the curious looks of the other students on the knew girl. I was already late when I arrived at my first class. I had been running threw the school for the past 5 minutes so when I finally got to the classroom I knocked on the door, I opened it and I asked in a shaken voice :-is this 10ºC?
I was waiting to get some kind of joke or an lecture coming from the teacher´s voice but instead of that I got a smile and a warm voice saying-Yes, it is- Everyone was starring at me and I hated that kind of attention ,or any attention if I’m being honest so that was a little reconferting.
As i was walking towards an empty sit as fast as I could he asked me- What´s your name ,girl?- I turned my head slightly on his direction and I responded:
-Alice-I said still panting.
-Alice what?-he said still not satisfied.
Other people had a second name but honestly I didn’t knew mine. I didn´t even knew if I ever had one. It wasn´t even something that I wanted to know, one more lost memory from my past .One more thing that I didn’t or wanted to remember. I was ready to sit down and mix with the crowd so I simply said:
-Alice ,just Alice.

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